Sorry guys, it’s bad news. I was listening to a sports talk show this morning and it looks like England won’t be getting the 2018 World Cup because we just aren’t pushy enough. According to Jack Warner, vice-president of Fifa, our bid is “lightweight”, and the Australians and the Spanish are beating us soundly. Of course, their superior climates have absolutely no bearing on the popularity of their bids.

Warner also suggested, we should make better use of David Beckham and the Royal family to boost our appeal, and I think he’s on to something there. In fact, they should be ordered to not just help win the bid, they should also provide the entertainment for the opening extravaganza. Let’s face it, the Aussies have Kylie and her bum, we’re going to have go one better.

I’ve heard Mrs Beckham allegedly has some musical ability, she could coach them all in a song and dance routine. Her Maj and Big Phil could do a cover of Sonny and Cher’s I Got You Babe, meanwhile Wills would fly over in his little plane dropping the rest of the royals onto the the pitch – yes, with parachutes, it’d be messy without –   where they’d form themselves into a human pyramid. David Beckham would then finish off this spectacular by reading his favourite extracts from Chaucer, Shakespeare and Dickens, accompanied by the little Beckhams playing Jerusalem on stylophones.

Trust me, if the the FA add that option to the bid, it’s ours.

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