Buoyed up by his success on TV, and irked by the undeserved limelight recently enjoyed by the likes of Emile Heskey and Tony Adams on sundry ads, the big man has apparently decided that it is time for him to put his gold jewellry where his mouth is, and buy his way into major motion pictures.

Ronblin Entertainment, as the new company is said to be called, will concentrate on remakes of great films, in which Ron will star, demonstrating how the original stars should have played their roles.

Here are just a few of the astounding cinematic releases pencilled into Ron's schedule over the next while.

Top Ron - released March 31, 2003

Ron "Maverick" Atkinson on his "wheels"

Ron Atkinson is "Maverick", a daredevil co-commentating hotshot at the Royal Institute of Commentating's Advanced Punditry Dept, where he competes to be best in the class while romancing his teacher, played by Kirsty Gallagher.

The Ronchurian Candidate - released June 15th, 2003

Ron very literally gives it the full gun

A group of co-commentators is captured by the Chinese and brainwashed into becoming sleeper assassins. When their commentating partner utters a pre-programmed phrase during a match, a murderous post-hypnotic suggestion is activated. Ron Atkinson plays himself in this remake. He is programmed to become a killer when Clive Tyldesley says: "Scholes! Oh, he's missed it!"

The Cannonball Ron - released August 19th, 2003

"Breaker, breaker, Ron."
"Give it a rest, Clive."

Just like in the original, a wild, illegal cross-country car race is organized, and the eccentric entrants will do anything to win, including low-down, dirty tricks. Unlike the original, however, in which the characters used CB radio lingo - e.g. "Ten-four, good buddy, I'm gonna take a ten-one hundred and catch up with the convoy before smokey gets here" - this version will see the various racers use copious amounts of Ronglish. E.g. "Tell you what, if I give it the full gun between San Diego and Tucson, and stay in the wide-awake club along the way, I might just manage to lollipop the coppers!"

Logan's Ron - released September 10th, 2003

Ron shares a quiet moment with delectable leading lady Jenny Agutter

In the futuristic City of Domes, Ron Atkinson is co-commentator at the mysterious carousel ceremony, providing analysis to complement Clive Tyldesley's descriptions of citizens who, having reached the age of 30, are required by law to float towards the roof to meet a gruesome end by exploding into a million pieces and plunging floor-wards like Buddy Holly. Why nobody seems to have noticed that Ron is not only past 30, but past twice-30, and has managed to lollipop this ceremony himself, is never adequately explained.

The Six Million Dollar Ron - Released November 6th, 2003

Ron uses Ken Barlow as a stunt double in this one

Ron Atkinson plays "Ron", a daring test co-commentator who is gravely injured during the testing of an experimental new type of gantry, and has to have his body rebuilt using several bi-Ron-ic implants that give him super guff powers.