The Week in Guff: Charlie’s heavy breathing and a big week for irony

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RED ALERT

David Seaman only got angry once in a blue moon:

“Patrick’s elbow caught me on the side of the head and the blue mist came in.”

TEN THOUSAND SPOONS

Don ‘Alanis’ Goodman when Forest’s Matty Cash scored late against Newcastle in the Carabao Cup:

“His winner in the first round came in the 93rd minute. How ironic that his goal here comes three minutes into injury-time.”

MOCK THE WEEK

Meanwhile, BBC Online match tracker brought news of the first ever Premier League goal to be scored via satiric irony:

“Yedlin… he’s arriving like a bullet train and he lampoons it home from eight yards.”

 

OOH MATRON

The AS.com live match updates could do with greater clarification:

AN EARFUL

Charlie Nicholas must have become accustomed to some heavy breathing during Old Firm derbies:

“Ye can’t even hear each other breathe never mind speak.”

CRYING FOUL

Mickey Quinn sets a low bar:

“If you can’t take a foul throw you shouldn’t be in football.”

GOLDEN OLDIE

Paul Merson dusted one down from his eighties back catalogue before Leicester-Liverpool.

Merse: “At the back, Liverpool look Ashford and Simpson.”
Jeff Stelling: Silence.
Merse: “Solid as a Rock.”
Stelling: “You’ve lost three-quarters of our audience there.”

SAY WHAT YOU SEE

Merson: “I watch Arsenal play and I seriously think it’s a charity match. It’s so open, end to end, there’s no tackling and it’s like watching ex-professionals playing.

“I can’t see how Cardiff don’t score against Arsenal.”

Merse’s prediction: “3-0 Arsenal win.”

BATTLE ROYAL

Strongarm tactics from the Ronglish handbook with Jamie Carragher:

“Kane and Jones trying to outstrength each other.”

BIG SPLASH

Brian Kerr on PAOK’s “melojen” goalkeeper going down in instalments:

“You’d think he was trying to jump into a swimming pool trying to avoid the water.”

MONEYBALL

Talksport’s Laura Woods has been deflated by the Hammers’ start:

“There’s a lot of money spent at West Ham. One hundred thousand pounds spent. It’s a lot of money.”

HE’S STILL STANDING

Martin Tyler was on song when Elton John appeared at Vicarage Road during Watford’s win over Tottenham:

“And he can tell everybody, this is his stand…”

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