THE GUFF PARADE

Paul Merson has a sneaking feeling about Southampton:

“I think they’ll finish above teams that are well below them.”

David James on the ‘Anfield roar’:

“It literally made the hairs on my end.”

Sky’s David Garrido weighs his words:

“The elephant in the room is Wayne Rooney… I don’t mean that in a bad way.”

Niall Quinn cooked up a plan for Aaron Wilbraham:

“I’m sure Ian Holloway will have him well grilled for his role.”

Quinny’s injury diagnosis guide disregards thirst levels:

“Good to see him having a drink of water; that means he wants to carry on.”

David Moyes is still getting the hang of things:

“It’s one game in 36 or 38, however many we play this season.”

But Paul McCarthy jumped the gun a touch after the Community Shield:

“A first trophy for Sir David Moyes.”

**

LITTLE’S BIG INSIGHTS

The definitive conclusion on Villa’s second penalty came from Setanta’s Brian Little:

“That’s one of those where more often than not you could go either way.”

At 2-1 Villa, Brian backed another hunch:

“Potentially it goes to either 2-2 or 1-3, doesn’t it?”

**

PHILOSOPHY BITES

Inside the mind of football.

No 1. Ian Holloway on CrystalPalace’s prospects:

“You talk to a mountain climber. If he’s too scared to let go and try and get higher, you’re going to fall off aren’t you?”

Um, maybe…

**

PUNBELIEVABLE JEFF

“Goal for Luna – he’ll be over the moon.”

**

HEADS NOR TAILS

Jeff Stelling: “Who will win the Premier League?”

Matt Le Tissier: “It’s a toss of a coin between the three of them.”

**

RESURRECTION OF THE WEEK

Brian Kerr reckons there are meaner centre forwards around than Luis Suarez:

“The team will support Saddam Hussein if he’s playing up front and scoring goals.”

**

TACTICS TRUCK

Glenn Hoddle wants to see Eden Hazard playing “outside of the lines.”

Last time that happened he lamped a bellboy.

**

HONEST BROKER

Mark Halsey supplied the weekend’s frankest admission:

“When I was a referee, I didn’t have a clue about offside.”

**

BEST TIMING

The arrival on screen on Crystal Palace’s cheerleader squad The Crystals was Ed Chamberlain’s cue:

“These fans are going to have quite a ride.”

**

DIFFERENT BALL GAMES

Bob Bubka at the USPGA:

“Adam Scott has three more holes on his backside.”

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