Football quotes, humour and opinions

Posted by chef on August 5th, 2005 in Interviews

Jeff talks about Soccer Saturday, scones, Ronglish, being the new Parky, on beating Jamie Harvey at darts, his greatest gaffe and picking his commentating dream team.

Soccer Saturday Jeff, it’s radio on television isn’t it?

You don’t see any shots at goal. You don’t see any goals. You don’t see any real action. It’s just like watching West Brom.

Tough job though. You’re widely known as the sauvest man in Hartlepool. Do you ever panic?

[Chuckles] It’s like the old swan isn’t it. Look nice and calm on the outside and I’m paddling away underneath. I don’t panic as much as I used to though.

How do you juggle all those screens and guys in your ear? There’s fellas on Irish telly who can’t even read the autocue. Strikes us not many people could do your job.

I don’t know. I think anyone could given time at it. I’ve had seven years practice. Basically, there’s a computer screen which you can use to access anything. There’s a vidiprinter screen on another side and an ear piece which gives me access to the director, the producer, and the statistician. To be honest, after a while you only hear the things you want to hear. You get a bit selective in your hearing. I tried do that with Rodney as well, I try to be very selective with my hearing with him.

Can you blame the producer for this one? “Yeovil v York. This game is the first time that both teams have started with that letter.”

[Laughs loudly] Most obscure line of the season, eh? Tell you what, we blamed our statistician, Dave Todd for that one. He was particularly proud of it. There are odd occasions when he’ll give me a line that he absolutely insists I use. They’re normally about Colchester because he’s a Colchester United fan. I feel a bit of compassion for him in that sense, so I try to use them when I can.

Do you still do your research on that filling station on the M3?

Yeah. Wincester Services. Although, for a bit of variation, sometimes I go to the south-bound branch. [Chuckles] I’ve got three small children – five, four and one. And they can’t understand that dad needs a day of peace and quiet and I can’t go and play football in the back garden or can’t play with their Thunderbirds, so I go to the service station. It’s very nice I must say. Coffee is excellent. Two pounds twenty nine a cup for a medium late. Couple of those last me all day.

And a scone maybe? Or a doughnut?

Actually I’m a scone man.

Bit of strawberry jam?

No no, ordinary scone. Plenty of currants.

Bit of butter at least surely?

Yeah, little bit of butter on there, but I’m not into this jam and cream business.

That’s a bit much alright Jeff. You certainly seem to enjoy your work anyhow.

Well it’s hard work, but everything’s relative isn’t it. My day was a steel worker and came home from his shifts with all kinds of crap on him and bits knocked out of him, so relatively speaking, it’s not really. It’s every schoolboy’s dream job isn’t it? Particularly as a I was a useless Sunday morning footballer. Too short, too fat, and too slow. Like Chris Kamara really. To be able to sit with legends of the game like Frank McClintock, George Best and Alan Mullery, it’s a dream job really.

We thought Frank McClintock was only there to save himself the price of a season ticket. Does he insist on watching Arsenal every week?

Ha ha ha. We let him watch Arsenal every week on the basis that if we gave him another game, he wouldn’t know who was playing. The great thing about some of the guys is that they don’t pretend to be anything other than fans. We would never suggest that Frank should be anything other than biased towards Arsenal.

Any new panelists this year?

Phil Thompson is back. Remember he was with us a few years ago before he had a spell out to coach Liverpool. Him and Rodney had some ferocious spats. They were like a snake and a mongoose. You never knew who was going to come out on top. That should be fun.

Speaking of Rodney, what’s happened to RodMarsh.com? It’s closed down.

Has it? To be honest, I’m not a regular viewer of RodMarsh.com. Rodney’s diary was always illuminating wasn’t it? Monday: Got up. Ate. Went to bed. Tuesday: Got Up. Walked dog. Went to bed.

It was worse than that Jeff. Remember: Got Up. Sat on toilet for 20 minutes cos had diarrhoea from eggs.

[Recoils] Awwwww yeah. It was tedious. Still, seriously, I get on well with Rod, even though we have our moments on the show. He’s as spiky as a porcupine. I’ve never known a more opinionated, difficult character. But inside the spiky exterior, he has a heart of gold and he’ll do anything for you and the show’s not the same without him.

Suppose you do miss him when he’s not there alright.

You definitely miss him when he’s not there. And then after a few weeks, you’re aching for him to go away again.

Can you ever see Big Ron turning up on the Soccer Saturday panel?

I was asked about my ideal panel last year and Ron Atkinson was one of them. That was before the latest controversy. Over the years he’s been entertaining and witty and I’ve always enjoyed his contribution. He’ll serve his sentence for his misdemeanour and come back one day but it’s not for me to say whether it’ll be on Sky.

Can you speak Ronglish?

Ha ha ha. I’m sure I could learn. He’s brilliant. One of the great quotes of all time was from Ron wasn’t it? “I couldn’t kick a ball as far as Carlton Palmer could trap it.” And he was a friend of Carlton’s. He’s a character, like some of our panelists really. We’ve tried a lot of people and some of them can be articulate but dull. And that’s not what you want over six hours.

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