MARK’S GOSPEL

Walking on water would have been  a lot  trickier if Lawro had his way:

“The defence parted like the  Sea of Galilee.”

SOMETHING FOR EVERYONE

Hollywood  sign him up. Surely mixed metaphor king Ray Hudson would make the finest movies of all time:

“You could corral Messi with a dozen alligators all around and he’d still weave his way out… He’s like a zombie hunter looking for a twinkie… That little werewolf right there just sunk his fangs into them… It was truly capturing lightning in a bottle.”

ALL GREEK TO RAY

Although his first remake would see Jason surprisingly omitted from the starting lineup  and a host of interesting new characters:

“Messi and the Argonauts would come sailing out…  He’s like something out of Greek mythology, a  little  short-legged bull, covered with eyes.”

UNITED TERMINATED

At least casting shouldn’t be a problem according to a United fan on Sky Sports News:

“It’s not an easy game. They’ve got Robben, they’ve got Ribery, they’ve got Schwarzenegger.”

JUST LIKE WATCHING  BRAZIL

Maradona’s first move in the transfer market has impressed  Martin Keown:

“With Tevez alongside Messi, and  Alves bombing down the wing,  Argentina  should be in with a shout.”

CLEAR CUT

Easy  decision for Andy Townsend during Chelsea-Villa:

“That was six of a dozen and one of the other.”

CLAWS OUT

It’s getting bitchy in the relegation zone for Brian Laws:

“It’s easy to get into a catfight down the bottom.”

PUT TO BED

Today’s footballers get a lot of bad press  for  their nocturnal antics, but in  Bobby Gould’s day, priorities were different:

“I wanted to conceive all my energy.”

NUTS AND BOLTS

During Liverpool-Benfica, Trevor Welch set  em up for Lawro to knock down:

“Goalkeepers tend to have a screw loose don’t they?”
“They’re all nuts,  Trevor.”

PULLED OFF NEAR THE END

Swindon  local radio commentator is in celebratory mood with the  Robins  in front against Leeds United:

“If you’ve got any kind of wood, touch it now.”

LUNCH ASSIST

Gol TV’s  Phil Schoen  has finally found the perfect role for  Liverpool’s willing Dutchman:

“Torres knows where his bread’s buttered and it was buttered by Kuyt.”

TYPICAL GERMANS

Roy Keane bemoans the modern practice of surrounding the referee, rather than chase him across the pitch:

“It’s crept into  the English game, unfortunately.”

DOUBLE  JEOPARDY

Unfortunate mental image of the week, courtesy of Peter Drury:

“Ferdinand  and Vidic were penetrated twice.”

MULTIMEDIA

Bobby Gould  maximises the Talksport audience:

“It was a great game, whether you were following it on TV, the radio or the wireless.”

QUICK ONE-TWOS

Charming  Steaua Bucharest owner Gigi Becali  reasserts club policy on gays:

“I  have nothing against them, but I will never employ one.”

But Lawro is quick to redress the balance:

“Zola’s going to  marry Noble and  Parker.”

Peruvian  Roberto Silva  is just not sure:

“Sometimes you can’t help but wonder about it. I am not a gay, but if I was, or if I was a woman, which is similar, I would do David Beckham. But that’s just my individual opinion.”

George Hamilton rubs it in:

“Hull, whose only connection with  Europe  is the North Sea Ferry Port.”

BBC  Masters live text  claims Tiger is already moving on:

“Woods misses his eagle chance but claims his bride to move to three under.”

And Peter Alliss knows his stuff:

“The nearest thing to this is  Wimbledon, totally different sport of course.”

Bronze plated spotter’s badges to Fredorraci at sportisatvshow and eddieorourke

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