FINDING THE NEW PAUL KONCHESKY

Every now and again, the Sky Sports News latest news ticker finds truth in the strangest places; at least before a producer steps in and makes a swift edit:

“Roy Hodgson will not be given new drugs to spend on new players in January.”

OUT OF THE FRYING PAN

Pat Dolan diagoses Andriy Arshavin’s indifferent form:

“I think he’s a little bit homesick…”

Before proposing an unusual solution:

“…I think he’d be ideally suited to La Liga.”

DEAD LOSS

And Arsenal fans thought they had a problem with innocuous injuries lasting for months; no wonder the Bohs’ title challenge eventually wilted after Stephen Alkin broke distressing news:

“Barry Murphy’s thigh muscle injury appears to be terminal.”
GET A WRIGGLE ON

Distressing news that our good pal  Ian Ziering seems to have fallen on difficult times. Meanwhile Iain Dowie plugs away at the day job:

“Zigic has come on and posed a whole different can of worms.”

HANDY ASSET

In fairness to Dowie, he is always keen to give players the benefit of the doubt – especially during a penalty shoot-out.

“Bowyer steps up. He does know where the goal is.”

STANDS TO REASON

There is no tactical puzzle that Lee Dixon is unwilling to tackle:

“If they are playing that narrow, there’s width on the sides.”

BLUEPRINT

Chelsea gaffer Carlo Ancelotti is soon expected to appoint Ronnie Whelan as title-winning consultant:

“They’ll have to win games consistently if they are going to win the league.”
WELL SPOTTED

Increasingly Kenny Cunningham’s punditry brings to mind Ted and Dougal’s “small/far away” perspective lessons:

“Alex Ferguson was the right man in the right place at the right time. Avram Grant is a different individual in a totally different set of circumstances.”

CROSSFIRE

Gabriel Egan brings unhappy news from the Molineux urinals:

“Richards has a slash and Stephen Hunt is in the way.”

THE MAN FOR THE DERBY?

Paul Merson reckons Man City’s title hopes won’t be riding on Mario Balotelli:

“Shergar! Just went missing.”

IN THE FLOWERS

Ben Shepherd worked hard during Goals on Sunday to get inside Tim Flowers’ head:

“Do the memories live vividly in your memory?”

A fruitless task, as it turned out:

“You never really materialise what happened.”
FANS’ EXODUS

Chris Kamara spotted a desperate throw of the dice from Wigan:

“Roberto Martinez has just played his final card by bringing Remi Moses on.”

And split hairs for Fabrice Muamba:

“It’s not a bad challenge but it’s a poor challenge.”

SEPTIC TANKS

Clint Dempsey talks sawker:

“We had good play from our outside backs and I just tried to get my shots on frame.”

Meanwhile back home, legendary announcer Jack  Edwards  translates Jack Charlton’s \’put em under pressure’ mantra for the home audience:
“You’ve gotta ride the hot goalie.”

QUICK ONE-TWOS

The Merse goes back to basics:

“Peter Crouch is a footballer, to be fair.”

Bobby Gould talks transfers:

“What do you think Liverpool need to put together in the January…ah… buying shop window?”

Ray Hudson takes Valencia to the scrapyard:

“The goalkeeper does the best he can, but the defense in front of him falls apart like an old beaten-up Saab.”

Bertie Ahern keeps it classy on Roon’s contract:

“As a United fan, it was for me another good Friday agreement.”

Hayes and Yeading gaffer Garry Haylock is the new Fergie:

“It is with regret that I have decided not to speak to the Uxbridge Gazette for the foreseeable future.”

Spotter’s badges to lordbrokit, set_square and shanebreslin

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