Croke ParkFair play to Marty Morrissey and the lads for throwing open the doors. Surely the least the football community can do in return is make some effort not to sully the sacred sod with our Ole Ole-ing, our Mexican waving, our booing and our sundry other Tan habits.

This is an arena, we must remember, where the most complex spectator anthem thus far sung comprises the unforgettable lyrics, “Tipp! Tipp! Tipp! Tipp!”

And while there may be limited opportunities to roar “pull hard, he’s no relation”, we can make some effort to purge our matchday lingo of Anglo Saxon staples like “play the channels”, “woahhh you’re shitttttt ahhhhhh” and “who are ya, who are ya”.

Instead, in an attempt to extend a hand of friendship to our new hosts, let’s do our best to speak their language while availing of their hospitality.

Here are some helpful hints to get you started:
Greeting an enterprising debut:
“Jaysus, young McGeady is a good yoke. Is this his first year out of Minor?”

On learning bad news of domestic form:
“I heard that useless hoor Carr was cleaned out last Sunday above in Cardiff. The lad of the van Nistelrooys took him for two goals from play.”

Handling the suspense of simultaneous internationals:
“Have you the wireless Mattie? I hear Switzerland were batin’ Cyprus out the gate at half time.”


What to do when a blow-in lines out:
“I can’t place him. Is he a nephew of TJ Morrison of Gort? He has the go of him alright. They say TJ was the first man up to the top of Keeper Hill eight years running.”

Looking on the bright side:
“The long fella of the Dohertys is a bit of a mullocker but sure he’s a good man to put in to bust up the play.”


Noting a lack of zest from a participant:
“Mother of Holy Saint Patrick, don’t be standing back from it Holland. You’re at nottin’ in there.”

Dispensing advice during a goalmouth scramble:
“Pull, pull agin! Pull agin! Pull agin!”

Greeting  an early reducer:
“Stop the lights! That’ll soften the bollox’s cough for him.”

The hurler on the ditch:
“What in the name a jaysus is Kilbane at? He wouldn’t kick spuds to chickens.”

Talking tactics:
“The thing is Mossy, and tis only my opingun, but if you put Duff out wing forward, you’re still short of scoring forwards inside.”

Reminiscing on fallen heroes:
“The bollox was fond of bacon but at the same time Harte is a big loss from placed balls.”

Revisiting dietary patterns:
“A drop of Dutch Gold? No, you’re grand Anto. Sure I have a bottle of tea for the sangwiches.”

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