Feeling a bit hard-up after Christmas? Suffering a cashflow problem because of the recession? Fear not, football can help. Follow this proven five point action plan and you’ll be raking in money in no time.

1) Buy a football club. It’s unlikely that you’ll have the resources of Hicks and Gillett, or the Glaziers, but if you band together with a few mates you’ll surely have enough to snap up a lower-league side.

2) Promise lots of extra money for new players, but make sure you have your fingers crossed behind your back – everyone knows those promises don’t count.

3) Use the money that should be spent on players to pay your bills/give jobs to all your family/buy holiday homes in exotic locations.

4) If you’re still feeling the pinch, sell the players. The club doesn’t really need them, and anyway, if they were any good they’d be playing a real sport; maybe that one which is a bit like rugby, but with body armour and a ridiculously over-manned team, but no pace or excitement. Soccer can be played by girls, therefore is not a real sport.

5) If supporters question your actions insult them, as offensively as possible. This may seem rude but don’t forget, it’s your (cash cow) club now!

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