A fond look back at a trial RTE-SKY broadcast from the Ireland-England Masters six-a-side final in Milton Keynes.
Keys: It’s the one we’ve all been waiting for. What a night in store. Winner takes all. And boy do they want to win it, Bill.
Billo: Oke doke, Richard, but in all fairness, would it be fair to say that this is something of a non-event really, in the general scheme of things, like. No?
Keys: Heh heh heh. (Administers sharp kick under table to O’Herlihy groin.) The old blarney eh? Irish eyes are smiling. Will they be smiling later on tonight. Andy?
Gray: Ho Ho Ho. Let me tell you this, Richard. I spoke to Bernie Slaven in the hotel earlier. And these boys are up for this, that’s for sure..
Keys: If I could just interrupt you there, Andy. We’ve got some late team news for the Irish.
Cut to the touchline where Sarah Jane Mees has Tony O’Donoghue in a headlock.
Sarah Jane: Yes, Richard. A late change for Packie Bonner’s side. Tony Cascarino starts up front for the Irish tonight.
Keys: So, what do we make of that then? The Irish have opted for power, and a little bit of know-how at this level. Is that the way you see it Niall?
Quinny: I must say, I’m delighted for Big Cas. Second to none around the box. He’s looked after himself so well and what a fantastic talent. Must say my heart goes out to Don Givens, who’s been different class down the ESB centre every night last month. Got to feel a little bit sorry too for Mickey Walsh, who’s flown in specially. What a character Mickey is, and second to none with the younger players…
Jamie: He is literally a father to those players , Richard. Top, top professional.
Keys: John Giles, how do you see England line up tonight?
Gilesy: Ahhhhhhhhhh, well ahh, I wouldn’t be so well up on England but, ah, I reckon they’ll be, ah, four across the back, ah, lot of long balls, ahhhh…
Keys: It’s a six-a-side remember John.
Gilesy: Yes, ahhh, but I know I’m repeating myself but, it doesn’t matter what the opposition is, or what game you’re playing, if you don’t want to put your foot on the ball and do the bread and butter things right…
Eamo: Yessssssssss. I think, what this great man is trying to say, before you so rudely interrupted him, you scurvy wagon, you congenital reject from the bankrupt wasteland of breakfast television is this: this England side is a sham, a wretched cancer on this shameful deceit of bastardised socccccccer – the game I love, the game John Giles loves, the game of the little guy, the real people, real football people….tchhhaaahhhhhhhhhh.
Billo (recovering): Oke doke, take it easy now, Eamon. We’ve got visitors.
Eamo: Listen to me. Do you want me on here to tell you what I think or just give you bullshit?
Billo: To be honest, Eamo, would it be fair to say that I couldn’t really give a sh….
Keys (anxiously): What about the form of Clive Allen though, Andy? He’ll take some stopping tonight.
Andy: Innnnncredible Richard. This guy just gets better and better. Have you ever played against him big man?
Quinny: Unbelievable, Andy. What a player. Second to none.
Jamie: Top, top finisher. He literally eats goals, Richard.
Eamo: That’s a nonsense. Clive Allen is a media creation. A smokescreen. A cover story for the suits and blackguards that foist this disgusting spectacle on real people, people like Michael Kinnane, Vincent O’Brien…
Quinny: Forty nine goals for Spurs, Eamon. Surely…
Eamo: Listen, you long streak of Uncle Tom’s piss. Roy should have buried you when he had the chance…
Gilesy: Ah, could I just say Richard, I don’t want to pick on the lad but I can’t understand how Gary Stephens is an international six-a-side footballer.
Keys: Relax, John, he’s not playing, nor is Lee Dixon… Sighs … Ah, Irish legend, Steve Staunton has just joined us. What do you make of it all, Steve?
Stan: I’ve never heard anything like it in all my years in football.
Keys: Indeed Stan, over to George Hamilton and Chris Kamara in commentary.