Big Phil gets his apron on and all the rest of this weekend’s guff…

NEXT STOP BROADWAY

With diving and simulation nearing a fine art, it was only a matter of time before a Premier League footballer took full-time to the stage. John Salako was straight down the box office;

“He’s already on a yellow card, now he’s treading the boards.”

RAZOR’S LACK OF VISION

Whatever about Rob Styles’ big decision this weekend, fears that Ray Houghton hasn’t yet quite grasped the medium of television were once more confirmed;

“He should come out and tell the listeners why he’s given that penalty.”

GRANDMASTER GABRIEL

Visitors to Gabriel Egan’s drawing room have long been impressed with the dynamic, fast-moving interplay between his knight and his rook;

“It’s almost on a chessboard the way Arsenal are moving the ball around from zone to zone.”

EASILY IMPRESSED

Do you ever get the impression that the lads on Today FM’s Premier League Live are glad to hear anything at all from a top manager?
Phil Scolari: “We know we play Man United, then we know we play Stoke. We have to learn…”
Moycal McMullen: “He’s only been around the Premier League for a few months but he sounds like he’s been doing it for years.”
Lawro: “He just talks a lot of sense, doesn’t he?”
Next week Zola takes the plaudits for telling us games last 90 minutes.

COOKING UP A CUP RUN

And although the lads thought they’d secured the big scoop, it was Alan McInally on Soccer Saturday who revealed Big Phil’s real ambition – to be the first manager to lead his side out at Wembley in a chef’s apron;

“He wants to flavour a cup final in this country.”

COTTS TALKS FINANCE

In these troubled economic times, world leaders could do a lot worse than tune into Tony Cottee’s instructive symposium on Newcastle’s takeover prospects;

“We know the background to what’s going on in other countries. We know there are a lot of unstable countries out there. They’ve got to be careful who’s buying the club.”

HOW LONG DO THEY NEED?

Seems like Jeff Stelling underestimated Phil Brown and his coaching staff.

“Hull haven’t played Arsenal for 93 years but with the form the Gunners are in, this game might have come around a bit quickly.”
Looks like they’ve been using the last century wisely

AS TIME GOES BY

Thank goodness Fernando Torres is back among the goals. He and Bob Keane’s drought had been causing pundits some confusion;
Ray Houghton; “Even against Stoke it was only a matter of time before they got a goal, but they didn’t.”
Andy Gray; “Every minute they go without scoring a goal, you know it’s a minute closer to when they do.”

Read all the guff first in Monday’s Champions pullout in the Irish Examiner