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Total
and utter control. Oh there's a loose one. Danger
here..... |
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Week 9. Ronglish: On and on it goes |
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Look,
let's face it. You'll never completely master the
language of gantry gentry - Ron will always up the
ante. Here's three more gems from the only
co-commentator to have been permanently
discoloured by a near-death experience in a vat of
Fanta. |
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| Double
Tandem |
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Ron has
shown more than once that he appreciates the value
of an understanding partner. So it's no surprise
that this description of a pair of players who
work well together is a firm favourite.
Although a double tandem usually refers to players
playing in the same position or part of the pitch
- for example a pair of central defenders,
midfielders, or strikers - spontaneous double
tandems can occur anywhere when players from
different positions link up well. The one, small
problem with the double tandem is that,
numerically speaking, a double tandem would
contain four players rather than two. But it would
be churlish to dampen the great man's enthusiasm
by mentioning this.
Always looking to
innovate, Ron has recently refined the
double-tandem to allow for more precise
definitions. Thus we have recently seen the advent
of the double left-handed tandem, an asymmetrical
axis where both parties favour their left sides.
Of course, Ron rarely gets to witness the double
left-handed tandem as left-footed footballers have
been extinct in England for five million years.
Ron might say: Tell
you what, Clive, the little winger's more of a
jinker than a flier, but that double left-handed
tandem with the big full back's gonna take some
stopping, if you like.
Mrs Ron might say: For the last time, I
don't care if Marshey and the missus are already
on their way over. There'll be no double tandems
in this house tonight.
Ronglish Points: **
The sheer mathematical wrongness of this piece of
Ronglish clearly deters the more learned
co-commentator. Though that's hardly what's
stopping Brian Marwood. Just hasn't caught on yet.
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| Arrive |
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It
can't be easy single-handedly shaping the
evolution of your own language. Sometimes Ron
gets tired, he struggles for inspiration. It's
times like these that he turns to that more
primitive means of human communication, English.
In an inspired bid to develop the ideal
description of a perfectly timed run into the
penalty area, Ron cunningly transforms the verb,
to arrive, into a noun. Genius.
Ron might say: Veron's pinged that in the
gulley, Giggy's faced one to the first post,
Coley's missed out, but look at the arrive from
the little ginger fellow. One-Zero.
Mrs. Ron might say: Quit complaining
about the dinner, Ron. If it wasn't for a
fantastic little arrive by our Tracy with those
cutlets, it would have been beans on toast for
you.
Ronglish points: ***
Another triumph for Ron that makes a monkey
of those boys at Oxford who look after the
dictionaries. You know he's right, lads, get it
sorted.
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| Change
Ball |
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Despite Ron's love
affair with the beautiful game now running to
well over a hundred years, the northern
hemisphere's greatest lover has never let the
magic die. What helps is Ron has never lost his
capacity to be surprised by events on the field
of play.
The occurrence of a Change Ball is one such
moment and it never fails to tickle Ron pink.
The Change Ball takes place when a player
cunningly chooses not to pass the ball in the
direction he's facing, but in another direction
entirely - in the process, momentarily outfoxing
the opposition and perhaps even switching the
point of attack. Importantly, the pass cannot
actually play a teammate in on goal as a Change
Ball achieving this result automatically becomes
a Spotter's Badge.
Ron might say: Parlour's
lobbed him a bit of an ugly one, but the big
French fella's given them the eyes and knocked a
lovely change ball. Shame Pires wasn't in the
Wide Awake Club.
Mrs. Ron might say: Hope you don't mind
Ron, but I've seen we're sitting with the Drurys'
at the ITV Christmas shindig, so I've done a
change ball and stuck us down for the Bridge
Club annual dinner dance that night instead.
Ron might reply: Spotter's badge love.
Ronglish Points:
****
Textbook Ronglish.
and simple enough for even Kamara to understand.
Gray will be claiming this as his own in no
time.
Spotters badge to Paul Grennan for his work
in the field of Ronglish research this week.
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Click
here for earlier Ronglish lessons
Click
here to take
the Ronglish exam
Send your Ronglish suggestions to editor@dangerhere.com
or post a message on our boards. |
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