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 Total and utter control. Oh there's a loose one. Danger here.....

Week 9. Ronglish: On and on it goes
Look, let's face it. You'll never completely master the language of gantry gentry - Ron will always up the ante. Here's three more gems from the only co-commentator to have been permanently discoloured by a near-death experience in a vat of Fanta.   
Double Tandem
Ron has shown more than once that he appreciates the value of an understanding partner. So it's no surprise that this description of a pair of players who work well together is a firm favourite. 

Although a double tandem usually refers to players playing in the same position or part of the pitch - for example a pair of central defenders, midfielders, or strikers - spontaneous double tandems can occur anywhere when players from different positions link up well. The one, small problem with the double tandem is that, numerically speaking, a double tandem would contain four players rather than two. But it would be churlish to dampen the great man's enthusiasm by mentioning this.

Always looking to innovate, Ron has recently refined the double-tandem to allow for more precise definitions. Thus we have recently seen the advent of the double left-handed tandem, an asymmetrical axis where both parties favour their left sides. Of course, Ron rarely gets to witness the double left-handed tandem as left-footed footballers have been extinct in England for five million years.

Ron might say: Tell you what, Clive, the little winger's more of a jinker than a flier, but that double left-handed tandem with the big full back's gonna take some stopping, if you like.

Mrs Ron might say: For the last time, I don't care if Marshey and the missus are already on their way over. There'll be no double tandems in this house tonight.

Ronglish Points: **

The sheer mathematical wrongness of this piece of Ronglish clearly deters the more learned co-commentator. Though that's hardly what's stopping Brian Marwood. Just hasn't caught on yet.


It can't be easy single-handedly shaping the evolution of your own language. Sometimes Ron gets tired, he struggles for inspiration. It's times like these that he turns to that more primitive means of human communication, English. In an inspired bid to develop the ideal description of a perfectly timed run into the penalty area, Ron cunningly transforms the verb, to arrive, into a noun. Genius.

Ron might say: Veron's pinged that in the gulley, Giggy's faced one to the first post, Coley's missed out, but look at the arrive from the little ginger fellow. One-Zero.

Mrs. Ron might say: Quit complaining about the dinner, Ron. If it wasn't for a fantastic little arrive by our Tracy with those cutlets, it would have been beans on toast for you.

Ronglish points: ***
Another triumph for Ron that makes a monkey of those boys at Oxford who look after the dictionaries. You know he's right, lads, get it sorted.   

Change Ball
Despite Ron's love affair with the beautiful game now running to well over a hundred years, the northern hemisphere's greatest lover has never let the magic die. What helps is Ron has never lost his capacity to be surprised by events on the field of play. 

The occurrence of a Change Ball is one such moment and it never fails to tickle Ron pink. The Change Ball takes place when a player cunningly chooses not to pass the ball in the direction he's facing, but in another direction entirely - in the process, momentarily outfoxing the opposition and perhaps even switching the point of attack. Importantly, the pass cannot actually play a teammate in on goal as a Change Ball achieving this result automatically becomes a Spotter's Badge.

Ron might say: Parlour's lobbed him a bit of an ugly one, but the big French fella's given them the eyes and knocked a lovely change ball. Shame Pires wasn't in the Wide Awake Club.

Mrs. Ron might say: Hope you don't mind Ron, but I've seen we're sitting with the Drurys' at the ITV Christmas shindig, so I've done a change ball and stuck us down for the Bridge Club annual dinner dance that night instead.
Ron might reply: Spotter's badge love.

Ronglish Points: ****

Textbook Ronglish. and simple enough for even Kamara to understand. Gray will be claiming this as his own in no time.

Spotters badge to Paul Grennan for his work in the field of Ronglish research this week.

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