| Whenever
Ron witnesses an incident of profound skill from
high atop his gantry in the stand - be it a
cracking save from the goalkeeper, an expertly
timed last-ditch tackle, or perhaps a particularly
intricate mazy run - he invariably voices his
admiration in the most singular terms.
Run-of-the-mill
commentators would merely highlight the skill used
and return to the matter at hand - namely,
commentating on the game. Not Big Ron. The
bejewelled genius unerringly follows a very
specific three-stage formula at times like
this, the result of which serves three distinct
purposes.
First, it reminds the
listener of Ron's vast experience of Association
Football at all levels, right up to the very
top.
Second, it provides a
legalistic get-out clause that enables Ron to
renounce said comment at any time in the
future.
Third, it adds to the
drama of the occasion by informing the listener
that Ron has never, in fact, witnessed a finer
example of the piece of skill in question.
Let's run through
Ron's three-stage formula.
Ron begins with a
standard "Tell you what..."
He continues
with
(a) a reference to
his knowledge of the game
This reference, it
should be noted, is never backed up with specific
examples. It generally runs thus: "...I've
seen a lot of good
[tackles]/[runs]/[shots]/[saves]/[etc] in my
time..."
(b) use of a
conditional tense
This allows for the
possibility that the statement may subsequently
turn out to be patent nonsense: "...but
that just might be..." Alternatively,
when Ron is feeling especially cocky, he may dare
listeners to disagree with him.
(c) an extravagant
claim
This is the coup de
grace. It usually runs thus: "...the best
[tackle]/[run]/[shot]/[save]/[etc] in European
football ever!"
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