::::::::::::::: danger here! :::::::::::::::::

I'd like to play
for an Italian club
... like Barcelona

Mark Draper

Total and utter control. Oh there's a loose one. Danger here.....

Week 5. Ronglish, Bringing it all together

Now that you lot have completed Ronglish lessons 1,2,3, and 4, I suppose you reckon you're ready to embark on an acclaimed career in co-commentary right away.Well hold your horses there, mate. The vocabulary is one thing but it takes much much more to hold court in the gantry.

This week, we look at the work and wisdom of Big Ron and identify the other qualities needed to get your own personal Peter Drury to shut up for a minute.

Knowledge of the Game.

Football may be a beautiful game, but it's not a simple one. Establishing the mastery that Ron exudes takes years of experience and training. Witness these astonishing insights from Ron. It just doesn't have a price.... They've done the old-fashioned things well; they've kicked the ball, they've headed it... I've had this sneaking feeling throughout the game that it's there to be won. Woodcock would have scored, but his shot was too perfect. They must go for it now as they have nothing to lose but the match. Now Manchester United are 2-1 down on aggregate, they are in a better position than when they started the game at 1-1

Mastery of Language

(a) The metaphor Co-commentating amateurs like Beglin and Waddle may think it's sufficient to arm yourself with a single metaphor before commenting on an incident. Not Ron. Real legends come to the party with metaphors and similes aplenty, and have no hesitiation in lumping the whole lot into a single sentence if the situation demands. Confusion? We prefer to call it genius. Beckenbauer has really gambled all his eggs. Tony Adams - he's the rock that the team has grown from. He sliced the ball when he had it on a plate. Someone in the England team will have to grab the ball by the horns. They've picked their heads up off the ground and they now have a lot to carry on their shoulders. He's treading on dangerous water there... Chelsea look like they've got a couple more gears left in the locker. (b) Clarity Ron's spent long enough wrestling with The Sun crossword to know that people don't like to be kept guessing. While peppering his co-commentary with fascinating insights and useful facts, Ron's precise language skills ensure that even the non-initiated can closely follow events on the pitch. There's a little triangle - five left-footed players. I would also think that the replay showed it to be worse than it actually was. He's not only a good player, but he's spiteful in the nicest sense of the word. The keeper was unsighted - he still didn't see it. You half fancied that to go in as it was rising and dipping at the same time. That was Pele's strength - holding people off with his arm.

Decisiveness

It's no picnic putting your neck on the line with bold predictions every week you know. Look what happened to Marshey, for example. Ron, in the best tradition of plucky punditry is never afraid to call it early. I wouldn't say Ginola is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better. Well , either side could win it, or it could be a draw. City will want to win this one.

Awareness

High profile purveyors of punditry have to continually look over their shoulders. There's always a smartarse keen to twist their words for comic effect. Fortunately, an experienced campaigner like Ron has the sense to choose his words carefully. Moreno thought that the full back was gonna come up behind and give him one really hard. He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it all over their faces Zidane is not very happy, because he's suffering from the wind. Stoichkov's playing on the wing, in this situation he likes to come in and scalp the centre-half

Talent

No amount of lollipops and little eyebrows on the pitch can match the style on show in the gantry when Ron gives it the full gun. Class will out. Spotters badge, Sir. I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat. A ten-foot keeper really should have stopped that. They've come out at half time and gone bang. The lad throws it further than I go on holiday ..and Schmeichel extends and grows even bigger than he is. I think that was a moment of cool panic there.

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