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 Total and utter control. Oh there's a loose one. Danger here.....

Week 10. Ronglish: We're only getting started
'Let it be', the Beatles once implored, having witnessed a particularly Ronglish filled commentary on a Burnley-Liverpool League Cup tie.

Ron, of course, refused to listen and to this day continues to develop his complex language. This week, we bring you 3 more Ronglish classics to confuse the John Champion in your life.
Cheating Position

We often wonder was it the gantry's goldenest geezer who first invented "the hole", that land of great prosperity normally populated by gloved amusement arcades who just don't fancy challenging for headers with the centre-halves. If it was, Ron cannot be best pleased to hear every  Tom, Dick, and Jim Beglin get the shovels out any time a lazy frontman can't be arsed getting in the box.

This may be why the great man has had to go to extra lengths to define this mythical role - perhaps even drawing on a little personal experience to sum up the illicit pleasures enjoyed by a number 10 ignoring his inconvenient everyday responsibilities.

Ron might say: Tell you what, Clive, I don't think the little ginger fella's enjoying the attention of these two outhouses. He's begun to drift a little...taken up the cheating position, if you like.

Mrs Ron might say:

Notice from DangerHere Towers legal department:
While we assure you that the lads did indeed canvas all the Mrs Ron's in existence for their views on Ron's Cheating Position, we cannot reveal the nature of these discussions until a number of 'alternative' Ron biography deals have been finalised.

Ronglish Points: ***
Anything that might make 'funny' Ally McCoist shift uneasily in his seat during commentary is alright by us.
Easy Oasy

The array of jewels adorning Ron's person is testament indeed to the big man's willingness to mix and match. And a school of thought exists that this commonly used piece of Ronglish is, in fact, a cunning amalgamation of the words, easy-going and lazy. And what Ron shall put together, let do man pull apart. So from here on in, WWF wrestler turned occasional footballer, Emille Heskey, shall be know in these quarters as nothing else.    

Ron might say: Funnily enough, Clive. I've thought Heskey's been a bit easy-oasy all night, but that was a stick-on. The big feller really should have notched.

Mrs. Ron might say: If you don't like those parsnips, just say so, Ron. You've been easy-oasy about this dinner from the off. Come on big man, that champers is staying put til you've cleaned your plate.

Ronglish Points: *****
The English language fails us when we try to describe the Liverpool punt chaser and his ilk. As we speak, Ron is hard at work devising a way of summing up his 50 yard first touch.  
Gone Empty
Always a man keen to be let off the leash, Ron gets particularly excited when he sees a player given a bit of latitude by opposing defenders. If the escapee in question is a bit of an amusement arcade and Ron thinks there's no immediate danger, he may content himself with an "in acres". But if he fancies the unfettered attacker may give it the full gun, it's got to be "gone empty".

Funnily enough, Ron has so far resisted the temptation to describe good defending as "putting out the empties". However, a player who picks out a teammate who has gone empty automatically earns a spotters badge.

Ron might say: Tell you what, Clive, shame the little ginger fella's not in the Wide Awake Club there, cos if he could have dug one out, Coley was in acres and Van Nistelrooy'd gone empty at the second post.

*Examiner's note...Ronglish variation

Ever the pro, Ron has prepared some variations on the emptiness theme to cater for every eventuality. For example, a player not noted for his industry might be said to be "standing empty".

In such a case, Ron might say:  I know it's a bit of a crowd scene but little Pahars had got the blinkers on there, Clive. Didn't spot Le Tissier standing empty at the far stick.

Mrs Ron might say: 

I don't care which current manager's her father, Ron. Just cos she's standing empty in a nightclub doesn't mean you've got to buy her a drink. 

Ronglish Points: ***

Loads of potential here. Even if only for the possibility that Ron will take the obvious course and one day describe a tightly marked Gazza as being full. 

Spotter's badge to Steve Morris for his sterling work in the field of Ronglish research. Your son will be very proud.

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