And Seaman, like a falling oak, manages to change direction.
John Motson
 
            
 

 Total and utter control. Oh there's a loose one. Danger here.....

Week 1. Ronglish, the building blocks: 
Essential Ronglish phraseology
The first step in learning any language is picking up the vocabulary, and Ronglish is no exception. This week we will look at the first three key phrases that you need to begin conversing in Ronglish.. To illustrate the usefulness of the phrases, we examine how Ron might integrate each one into his expert commentary and analysis. And we further highlight the versatility of Ronglish by showing how Mrs. Ron could use it in day to day Atkinson life. Finally, we see how each Ronglish building block has been accepted into the lesser form of English used by mere mortals, allocating each phrase Ronglish merit points according to how comprehensively it has taken over the world.  
1. spotter's badge
A metaphorical prize awarded by Ron when a player he likes makes a perceptive pass.

Ron might say:
Spotter's badge for Beckham to put Cole clear. Shame about the finish.

Mrs. Ron might say:
Oh you bought some milk Ron. Spotter's badge, we're on our last pint.

Ronglish points: **
Clearly most football commentators are less familiar with ornithological parlance than the tanned wordsmith, because 'spotter's badge' remains largely a Ron special. However, recent shameless plagiarism by Andy Gray, who awarded a spotter's badge to co-commentator Brian Marwood on the Monday Night Football, suggests the coveted prize will soon be handed out by all and sundry.

2. lollipop

Excitable Ron's description of a popular football skill, usually performed by a 'tricky' winger. DangerHere suspects that this Ronglish classic may owe something to the lollipop stick/trick Cockney rhyming slang staple, but in Ron's eyes the lollipop involves the trickster waving one or both feet over a stationary football, much to the bemusement of the onlooking Lee Dixon.

Ron has said:
Denilson's given it about twenty lollipops there, Clive.

Mrs Ron might say:
Tough day Ron. I've gone down the local for a swift G&T, and what do you know, I've forgot me wallet. So I've gone up there, given the barman a double lollipop and nipped out the tradesman's entrance. Diamond.

Ronglish points: ****
The 'lollipop' has caught on all right, particularly among tricksters turned commentators like Chris Waddle.

3. second post

Where less helpful pundits would talk about the 'far post', Ron - never one to discriminate against the uninitiated - thoughtfully provides a clue as to the location of this post to those not familiar with the rudiments of goalpost construction.

Ron might say:
.. and nobody's picked up Cole at the second post. Shame about the finish.

Mrs Ron might say:
That new sunbed not arrived then Ron? Don't worry love, it might come in the second post.

Ronglish points: ***
Shamefully, ne'er do wells like Gray and Parry are appropriating Ron's mathemathical approach to post identification. So much so that Ron has been forced to up the ante by clearing up the whole near post issue as well. First post it is then.

Next week: More Ronglish building blocks:

- early doors 
- full gun
- little eyebrows

Week three: Even more Ronglish staples

- crowd scene
- amusement arcade
- tell you what