Eamon Dunphy’s Ronaldo fatwa is back on with a bang baby.

A less-than-inspiring turn against Celtic by the world’s greatest player paved the way for a familiar night of family fun in Montrose.

Taking advantage of Eamo’s new fast-tracking programme that saw Sergio Aguero gain surprisingly early “real player” status, the opening gambit saw young Lewis gain immediate entry to the annals:

“Can you imagine Tiger Woods or any of the great sportsmen; Lewis Hamilton, Padraig Harrington, Ruby Walsh the jockey – going out in front of a paying audience and playing like that – while they are world player of the year. It’s an absolute disgrace to the game.”

There was late redemption for Drico, who seemed to have been relegated recently:
“…the likes of Brian O’Driscoll, the great rubgy player..”

Enough soft-soaping, it was time to give the puffball what-for:
“What they saw tonight was an impersonator, a clown,a self-indulgent idiot really, doing crazy things.”

“He’s a petulant brat Bill, poncing around all night.”

There was just time for a quick run-through of the game’s real legends, a club forced recently to find room for Ronnie:

“I go back to Maradona, Pele, Bobby Charlton, John Giles, Ronnie Whelan, Liam Brady, Roy Keane, would you have seen Roy Keane do that? No way baby.”

And a roll-call of the modest list of modern greats. Poor old Tom Rosicky has been long forgotten:

“There are great players, Kaka for example, Lionel Messi for example, Xavi at Barcelona for example.”

And no evening’s entertainment would be complete without Eamo threatening to divest himself of any last vestige of human dignity:

“If you say that’s showbiz, this is showbiz Bill (points at self). If you really want to make it showbiz, take your gear off.”

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