PARLOUR GAME

Mark Saggers: “I’m not going to use the cliché; this is what the cup is all about, but I think it’s a fantastic tie tonight; FC United of Manchester…”

Ray Parlour: “Oh, unbelievable. This is what the FA Cup is all about.”

KERR PLANK

Brian Kerr suspends judgement on Mario Balotelli, but not on Brian Kerr:

“I said I don’t know what to make of him yet and today he made me feel I’m right.”

PUSHING THE ENVELOPE

Nobody at his local sorting office is looking forward to Ian Dowie’s Christmas cards:

“He hits it right into the postage stamp – bottom corner.”

NO FLAK JACKET REQUIRED

Paul Merson believes Arsenal won’t lack weaknesses at Old Trafford:

“You can’t just rely on Samir Nasri, you’ve got to have more than one chink in your armour when you go there.”

KEEPING BUSY

Chris  Kamara  is impressed with the Villa Park dam-building:

“Villa are defending like beavers and the biggest beaver is Collins.”

LUCK OF THE DRAW

Tony Brown might be a West Brom legend, but his new lottery system seems unnecessarily complicated:

“If you want to buy a ticket you have got to win the raffle.”

COLOUR BLIND

Alan Shearer paints his own particularly stark shade of gray:

“Nothing’s black or white in our country – you’re either brilliant or you’re hopeless.”

BACK TO BASICS

With the first half of Bolton-Blackburn offering scant distraction, Richard Keys decided to put the age-old poser to Glenn Hoddle:

“How much do you have to get touched to go down?”

FREE REIN

Marking the opposition’s target man from the bench is a tactic Kevin Keegan can’t stand over:

“Why Babel’s got Andy Carroll I don’t know.”

BAD BUSINESS

Trevor Steven has been scrutinising the judgment calls made by our captains of commerce in recent times:

“Mike Ashley applies business decisions into football; very, very irrational.”

SPOILED BALLOT

The murky Chris Hughton business upset everyone this week. Unfortunately Micky Quinn wasn’t quite rendered speechless: “It lacks of no class.”
And Micky’s recommended successor went a little overboard with his pencil:

“Martin O’Neill fills all the boxes.”

DEAD LOSS

It was left to Sky Sports News to organise the wake. At least we’ll always remember Chris as a dignified 51-year-old:

“It would have been his birthday on Saturday.”

MAGIC GOALKEEPING

Soccer Saturday reporter Bryn Law saw the Huddersfield goal lead a charmed life:

“Chris Wood shot just one side of the post, then the other side of the post and the keeper didn’t have to make a save for either.”

USING YOUR IMAGINATION

ESPN continue to get their money’s worth with Andy  Cole:

“If Newcastle go a goal up I can see them winning it, if Liverpool go a goal up I can see them winning it.”

*******
GUFF STREAM

Aidy Boothroyd on the booing of Coventry:

“I keep thinking they’re going to chant my name, and then just stop…”

Somehow, some day, Ray Wilkins will find a better way:

“You can’t rely on outscoring people.”

Would you really, Chris Kamara?

“The penalty is suffice, you’d have to say.”

Kevin Moran has a special welcome for Valencia sub Dominguez:

“Nice opportunity for him to come on here in the Theatre of his Dreams, as they call it.”

The year doesn’t even in a one and Gary Mabbutt has ended Spurs’ trophy drought:

“They are champions of Group A.”

Bobby Gould explodes into action:

“Chelsea have been prebominant.”

Dean  “Jamie” Windass  reports a near drowning at the Riverside:

“Middlesbrough are literally hanging on.”

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