beIN Sports’ co-commentating marvel Ray Hudson went into overdrive for Leo Messi’s last-ditch winner in the Clasico on Sunday night.
The potent cocktail of metaphors and similes stirred up on the hoof by the Geordie mixologist featured Star Trek, the Rolling Stones, prolonged tumescence and the kitchen sink of whatever you’re having yourself.
“The medicine man arrives and sinks his flaming spear into the hearts of Real Madrid.”
“Messi born in the crossfire hurricane and he is Jumpin’ Jack Flash.”
“The defenders are left with bees flying around them.”
“Messi, you could drop a tarantula into his shorts and he’ll still be cool.”
“Messi catapults it home and again if he’s shown a Rorschach blot, he will see goals all day.”
“Indecently majestic football in the end to pull this out of the fire.”
“Messi, the nerve of a cat burglar. And cool as the seeds inside the cucumber.”
“Sergi Roberto finds space like that Star Trek ship and he hits warp speed.”
Finally, it all spilled over:
“A goal that’ll give Barcelona fans an arousal that’ll last for more than four minutes, so you better call your physician.”
Ray had co-commentated on the earlier exchanges in his customary low-key style:
On Madrid’s opener:
“Giving Marcelo that much space is like giving Dracula the keys to the blood bank.”
Though Barca’s defending belonged in a different movie:
“Like the kids in the Blair Witch Project, nowhere to be seen…”
On Messi’s equaliser:
“Arrives like a witch on a broomstick and produces the hocus pocus in front of goal.”
A dead witch maybe?
“Like a ghost cutting through a thick Scottish fog.”
Ray is also beginning to work a little rhyme into his act:
“A searing hit from Messi, and that is cleaner than Neutrogena from the man from Argentina.”