ray_houghton

Who are you sir?

I shot to prominence in 1988 after finishing off a stylish ten man move as Eire – though taking part in the sport for the first time – gained a surprise victory over England.

But you’re Scottish aren’t you?

Not at all. I’m fiercely proud of my Tipperary upbringing, but in public affect a broad Scottish accent in a vain bid to deflect the spotlight.

Of course.   You’re a modest fellow. We recall a line about Fabrizio Ravanelli that shows your bashful side nicely.

“I wasn’t one of his best lovers.”

So, what’s your guff claim to fame then?

Well, I’m employed by almost as many media organizations as Lawro, and my inclusion of the informative phrase “At this point in time” thirty nine times in a single broadcast will take some beating.

Impressive. Let’s root through the rest of your CV. We see you’re noted for the clinical acerbic eye you bring to a post-match inquest.

“This is the first goal, for me.”

You certainly came down hard on Crystal Palace a few years back.

“They’ve won about 20 and lost about 19, so they seem to be a bit inconsistent.”

And we can’t remember anyone else who so shrewdly cut to the heart of the Geordies’ problems.

“Newcastle have struggled to score goals on their travels, especially away from home.”

Or Spurs’ for that matter:

“At one end you have not to concede and at the other you’ve got to score.”

Your insight into the workings of top-level football came to the fore when Benitez was slow to let Aquilani loose on the Premier League:

“Maybe  he’s seen him in training Bill.”

Not so sure about those rumours you put round about Damien Duff though.

“He’s on the lips of every team in world football.”

You’re a 20-20 hindsight man aren’t you? There’s nothing worse that a shot being smothered by the keeper…

Why didn’t he just lift it over him, George?

Unless he does lift it and it goes over the bar…

Why didn’t he go round him George?

Unless he does go round him and runs it out of play…

I can’t understand why he didn’t he just square it, George?

But what if the lad he squares it to misses, Razor?

He’s got to pull the trigger in that position, George.

You’re not quite Big Ron, but you’re not averse to bit of playful racial stereotyping eh? Remember that dodgy Turkish goalkeeper at Lansdowne Road?

“They looked like they picked up him en route from the local kebab shop.”

And you’ve always got a Ronglish dictionary handy too.

“You don’t want to be going out with an easy-oasy side”

Although maybe not an English dictionary.

“See how Middlesbrough had only one up front – that was systematic of the game.” “If he’d taken that, it could have changed the whole complexity of the match.”

Pity you’ve broken that abacus too.

“If there’s one thing Gus Uhlenbeek’s got, it’s pace and determination.”

It got you through many a broadcast.

“Martin Butler’s on 99 goals as well, one for the hundred.”

You might need a new watch too, come to think of it.

“Last year you could set your watch by the Liverpool back four – right back, two centre halves, left back.”

You’ve earned quite a reputation for yourself as a radio presenter. A man for the hard questions?

“So have you (Brian Tinnion) been involved in many games like this, where you’re 4-2 down with three minutes to go and end up winning 5-4?”

Suppose it helps, having such a sound grasp of business and marketing principles as well as football.

Adrian Durham: “Northwich will be sharing next season with Witton Albion at the Bargain Booze Stadium”

Razor: “Where do they get these names from?”

Durham: “I think they get a bit of money for it”

Razor: “What happens when they change the sponsors, do they change the name of the stadium?”

Razor sharp!

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