SPLITTING HAIRS

Joe Royle’s continuing employment at ESPN is a cruel loss to the worlds of refereeing and anatomy:

“It’s hit him more on the elbow than the arm.”

THE SOOTHSAYER

Creative Joe also has a nice sideline fixing up dud plays. This week he settled on a few minor revisions to Shakespeare:

“Beware the ides of November.”

DIRTY BUSINESS

For some time now, Jimmy Magee has been using the wrong detergent:

“The last 36 games, Bolton Wanderers have been in the laundry business – only three clean sheets.”

LOCK AND KEY

After Nottingham Forest’s draw at home to Bristol City, Billy Davies wasn’t offering any hostages to fortune:

“Every point’s a prisoner in this league.”

DEAD CERT

Keep to impress on his return to the Soccer Saturday lineup, Alan McInally was laying it all on the line:

“They might be a certainty tomorrow Stoke, if Hull don’t play well.”

SPOT OF BOTHER

But for once Stelling’s stats man was a little off the pace:

“That’s 13 penalties in 13 games for Graham Alexander.”

CUTTING IT FINE

What’s the betting Pat Dolan was a crammer with it came to exams?
With Man City 2-1 down to Burnley at half-time, Pat’s rescue plan suggested time management mightn’t be one of his strengths:

“All they’ve got to do is score one goal in the next 45 minutes, then you’ve got extra time to get the winner.”

THE TOOL MAN

While time might have been on Mark Hughes’ side, Paul Merson still feared they might get hammered:

“Manchester City look like a bag of nails. They’re all over the place.”

FLUENT MERSE

But at least, finally, Paul has found someone to understand him.

“Hodgson talks a million different languages. He even knew my language.”

DANGER HERE

Having been extraordinarily careful with Ireland lately, George has to use his powers to scupper somebody. Unlucky Rafa:

“Liverpool have got their campaign back on track… unless Lisandro can get in here. Lisandro!!”

GIGGS AT TOP OF THE LEFT

“Kevin from Dublin” does the Irish proud on Football365:

“Evra is potentially the best corner back in the league.”

BLIND JUSTICE

Kevin Keatings came to the Bernabeu expecting a miracle:

“Kaka’s penalty shout has fallen on deaf eyes.”

ENTITLEMENT CULTURE

The mathematics of Champions League Group H doesn’t quite tally with Alan Parry’s world view:

“Standard Liege are winning. That might deny Arsenal taking their rightful place in the next round of the competition.”

JUST BE YOURSELF

In Andy Gray’s view, it’s the false pretences that are hampering Hull’s Olofinjana:

“A more natural person would have had a strike there.”

BRAIN WIPE

In one of his more subtle u-turns, Eamo forgets years of ridiculing Barthez. Not to mention Joel Bats:

“The French have always had top class keepers

FULL OF BEANS

Jeff Stelling: “Hines, he looks lively Phil.”
Thommo: “Variety in his game.”

ASK DARREN BENT

Scottish commentator Paul Mitchell likes to see the good in everyone:

“There’s no such thing as a bad penalty.”

WOULD YOU LET HIM DRIVE THE TRAIN TO GUADALAJARA?

One by one, Eamo dismisses all the world’s defenders bar Richard Dunne:

“Barcelona have a fella called Marquez, a Mexican, who’s a headbanger.”