Lovely Phil Brown
Lovely Phil Brown

FASHION CRISIS HITS ISLEWORTH

Words almost fail us.

Did Phil Brown arrive in the Goals on Sunday sporting a pink jumper carefully draped over his perma-tanned shoulders because:

a) he’d been whisked directly from a Michael Guiney’s summer collection photoshoot – in 1995

b) he’s blind and someone put it there for a cheap laugh at his expense – this conveniently explains a whole host of other issues, not excluding the headset, the mystery spitting, the goatee, the aforementioned perma-tan and much, much more

c) he is – despite quite stiff competition – football’s biggest ever penis

NEARLY MAN

Style status cemented, the Browner went on to tell us just how close he came to signing Little Mickey Goals.

“We had a conversation with Michael Owen with regards to a meeting.”

IN HIS DEFENCE

To be fair to Phil, there was a brief flash of good taste as he showed himself a fan of this old Dangerhere feature.

“Kammy will tell you. You like to have a group of chameleons.”

CLEAN SLATE

Kammy, however, has forgotten absolutely everything that’s gone before.

“The one thing you don’t do against Stoke is lose goals from set plays.”

We would have thought that’s about the only thing you might do.

MAYBE IT WAS A PREVIOUS LIFE?

As we know, a day is a long time in football. Especially for Glenn Hoddle:

“Bassong was outstanding. He and Ledley King look like they’ve played there all season.”

Meanwhile, a lifetime flew by for Andy Gray in just 90 minutes:

“That’s the easiest decision Phil Dowd will ever make today.”

TRIFFIC PUNDITRY

Jamie took time out from singing the praise of “me dad” to wrestle football out of the history books:

“The game now is full of modern day athletes.”

Before delivering the incisive analysis we’ve come to expect:

“Man United will be there or thereabouts. It’s an absolute fact.”

“If Liverpool get off to a good start, there’s no reason why they can’t be there or thereabouts.”

HAS ‘ARRY REJOINED PORTSMOUTH?

Big Sam is absolutely certain he’s not been in touch with anyone from Spurs:

“As far as I am concerned there has been no contact with Tottenham – and I know that as I spoke to Harry Redknapp.”

MONKEY HEED

Welcome back Peter Reid – it’s not been the same without you:

“Everton tried to out-physical them.”

BECKS’ BUCKING BRONCO

David Beckham’s red card for the Galaxy brought an unusual verdict from Bruce Arena:

“When you throw yourself into that kind of tackle there’s a chance you’re going to get sent off. He’s been in enough rodeos to know that.”

And a less unexpected reaction from the Yoo Ess “announcer”:

“Straight red booking for David Beckham”

LEEDING MAN

The Merse is back and as economical with the facts as ever:

“Fabian Delph has dominated at Championship level.”

Of course Merse was using the less common definition of dominated i.e: played one game in.

MIXED FORECAST

Carlton “The Weatherman” Cole wasn’t sure about the conditions on West Ham’s pre-season tour to China:

“It was very difficult for both teams – it was very humid. The air was really dry.”

HEAD READ

Marty “The head doctor” Morrissey had the Limerick hurlers on his couch:

“Conceding three goals in the opening 17 minutes – that’s got to have a psychological effect.”

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