THE WEEK IN GUFF

Alan Pardew has a theory:
“We know we need to threaten the goal with goals.”

Niall Quinn sells Hull short:
“They are merchants of their own doom.”

Steve McManaman discovers rare lyric:
“I think Villa, like in 1999, as Prince once said, will be too strong for Newcastle.”

Michael Owen hasn’t thought this through:
“If you cut me in half, I’m a footballer.”

Lee Clark knows it all:
“He was an unknown quantity when I brought him here but I knew what I was bringing in.”

Adrian Chiles has been given a fair bite of the whip:
“Not many players get three cracks of the cherry.”

BANTASY FOOTBALL

David Speedie has had his say on the friendly banter between Malky Mackay and Iain Moody: “Freedom of speech has gone out the window.”
Of course free speech has a price.

SEPP BANTER

Amid all the racism, homophobia, anti-semitism and xenophobia; sexism was probably slightly under-represented in the Cardiff text dossier. Luckily, FIFA’s weekly magazine was on hand to redress the balance:

“Football is a simple game that only becomes complicated once you attempt to explain the active and passive offside rules to your wife.”

THE GREAT AND THE BAD

“Both coming off the back of great World Cups,” enthused Steve McManaman of Villa’s central defensive partnership against Newcastle. Ron Vlaar, we’ll give him. Big Phil Senderos? On as sub against France. Shipped five. Wasn’t seen again.

PUNBELIEVABLE JEFF

“Dean Gerken momentarily in a pickle.”
“Sammy Clingan with the second goal. Out of this world.”
“Ben Pringle with the crisp finish.”

HEADLINE OF THE WEEK

Medically sound stuff from STVSport: “New St Mirren loan signing has ‘the heart of a man’ says Tommy Craig.”

TAUTOLOGY TITLE TUSSLE

Martin Keown: “When we used to train together in training…”
Dennis Wise: “They should take more care with their last final pass.”
Danny Mills: “The continuity stayed the same.”

RAZOR SHARP

During the World Cup, the “vanishing spray” used by referees was called everything from “imaginary foam” to “invisible spray”. But nobody, until Mick Martin, referred to it as “aftershave”.

LEXICON UPDATE

The modern footballer no longer sends long-range shots straight down the keeper’s throat, confirms Steve McMananan: “It’s gone right down the nose of Brad Guzan.”

WORD OF THE WEEK

Davie Provan: “Terrifical”.

INBETWEENER

Bizarre Steve Clarke suggestion on Goals on Sunday:

“I think he is one of those players you either love or hate. There’s no in between.”

The marmite figure? Olivier Giroud, surely a textbook definition of middling.

DIFFERENT BALL GAMES

Joel Stransky on Puma-Boks egg-chase: “They need to take this game by the scruff of the horns.”

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