We start in Lithuania with the owner of Scottish side Heart of Midlothian FC, Vladimir Romanov.

While considered a hard-nosed wheeler-dealer in his business life, he is now showing off a more sensitive side of his personality as he prepares to star in Dance With A Star, a ballroom-based celebrity game show on the leading Lithuanian channel LNK. Romanov has teamed up with professional dancer Sandra Kniazevičiūtė and they can be seen training together in an empty stadium in a promotion video.

Poor Becks
Former skipper David Beckham looked decidedly off the pace at Wembley – unsurprising given his bid to emulate Phileas Fogg by going around the world in 80 hours. Becks must have looked like ‘Mr Big’ in Snatch as he zig-zagged back and forth across the Atlantic. Things finally came to a head when he squared up to a Chivas player during LA Galaxy’s 3-0 defeat, prompting several thousand concerned moms in the stadium to coo: “Awww, he’s tired.”

Men in Black – The Final Whistle
The men in the middle were taking centre stage as one disastrous decision followed another. First were Andy D’Urso and his linesman, who between them failed to notice that there was enough space to drive a bus between the ball and the goal-line when ruling out David Healy’s equaliser for Fulham against Middlesbrough.

But Rob Styles, who gave Chelsea a penalty when Florent Ramouda threw himself into Steve Finnan and then tumbled to the floor as if he had been hit by a train, eclipsed even that. Styles had the good grace to accept his error upon seeing TV replays, but even Bill Clinton was forced to come clean when presented with the evidence on that dress.

Things went from bad to worse for the hapless official as a one-match ban was followed by revelations that his company paved the driveway of Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich – cue ‘Rob the Builder!’ headlines in The Sun.

Silly season has arrived early in north London.

Manager Martin Jol had the temerity to lose the first two games of the new campaign and quick as you can say “the rain in Spain falls mainly on the Lane,” Sevilla coach Juande Ramos was being lined up to replace him, claiming he’d had a “dizzying” offer to take over the reins. Chairman Daniel Levy denied everything, insisting he was backing his popular manager. Jol, meanwhile, kept his cool throughout.”If anyone thinks there’s going to be a new boss at Tottenham, then I’m a Dutchman,” he drawled.

Did You Know…

…Neil Warnock is a qualified referee. On a recent TV show he said “The difference between the referees and me is that they know the rules like me, but they do not know the game and you have to play the game to understand it. Most refs will get it right, but when they have to make a decision on the game they let themselves down because they do not understand it.”

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