The Merse

The Paul Merson fantasy atlas is sure to be a big seller this Christmas:

“It’s a real place to go, Partizan.”

PETE’S SAKE

Puzzled by Manchester United’s league position, Peter Collins splits hairs on Premier Soccer Saturday:

“They say the table doesn’t lie but does it deceive?”

CLOCKING IN

Danny  Mills’ intriguing verdict on Karl Henry’s red card challenge against Wigan:

“It wasn’t a mistimed tackle, it was very, very late.”

NAME DROPPED

It’s fair to say the new Liverpool manager isn’t yet a household name on Merseyside; or at least with Talksport’s Mark Saggers:

“Ron Hodges.”

On that note, Ray Stubbs helped Nigel de Jong give Newcastle’s French winger a special welcome to England:

“Hatem Ben Arthur.”

SQUEEZED OUT

Woy’s uncomfortable start to the season looks set to continue as long as Stan Collymore keeps the new gaffer on his toes:

“Roy Hodgson has only just got his feet under the door.”

LAB RAT

Scientists, take note; Graham Taylor has a ground-breaking new technique:

“I tend to measure the pace of a game using the pace of the ball.”

Next week: Graham tends to gauge the passing of time by watching the clock.

GOALKEEPER’S FRIEND

Lest encyclopedia writers think their work was done, the former England manager wasn’t finished there:

“Very few great goals actually go in.”

SIXTH SENSE

Chris Kamara is all ears at St Andrews:

“As you can see, the Birmingham fans are in full voice.”

DICTIONARY CORNER

There’s nothing already in his Collins English to suit Ben Shephard’s purposes:

“Jack Wilshere has taken the laudits.”

KNOWS HIS PEOPLE

Watching footage of Ben Arfa beat several players and rifle one from range into the top corner. Keegan suspects the Geordies will approve:

“They do like to see players doing that at Newcastle.”

NUMBERS GAME

Assessing Cesc Fabregas’ chances of being ready for the Chelsea game, Arsene Wenger loaded his abacus:

“It looks a 50-50 but a 50-50 balancing on the negative side.”

MEDICAL BULLETIN

Rebecca Lowe wasn’t going to put her neck on the line at Eastlands:

“We think that Ben Arfa has a suspected broken leg.”

HEALTH CHECK

Pat Dolan supervises the arrival of another pizza in the Setanta Europa League gantry?

“I think those Italians are pretty fit you know. All those sun-dried tomatoes, lovely. Olives, they’re pretty good for you as well. Italian tomatoes; fantastic.”

****

QUICK ONE-TWOS

Dunphy does what he does best:
“Nani is a mixture of cheating, giving the ball away and rubbish, a toe-rag.”

And performs one of his swifter u-turns:
“That club (Man U) aint going nowhere Bill, except into the knockout stages of the Champions League.”

With his pronunciation track record: Graham Taylor was on dangerous ground:
“Zhirkov has been a real handful tonight.”

Phil Thompson does a Packie Bonner:
“After that he was uncredible.”

Stephen Alkin keeps it real:
“The finish was absolutely wojus”

Lawro uses his imagination:
“It must have been like the Alamo, whatever the Alamo was like… ”

Spotter’s badges to @RBVegard, @threeandin and Glenn Curtin

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