Kammy directs and the rest of this week’s quick one-twos.

With just the usual formulaic guff coming out of Hollywood these days, surely it’s time Chris Kamara went Stateside to shake things up a bit. His could make a directorial debut with this cross-genre epic starring Frank Lampard:
“It’s like he’s got a force field around him. When that ball comes near him, he’s like one of the untouchables.”

Kevin Blackwell not happy, but the Saints keeper is maturing gradually:
“Kelvin Davies was unbelievable against us then drops a goolie down at Swansea.”

Jeff Stelling relishes an open goal at Kettering:
“Guy Branston getting himself in a pickle – sent off against Weymouth.”

Adrian Chiles gets personal on Match of the Day:
“Harry Rednob.”

Jimmy Magee caught sneaking in a war movie on TNT as Chelsea centre half pokes in opener:
“Ice cold in Alex.”

“Match delegate” Mike Reid brought his magic balls to Goodison:
“The pressure should be anything between .6 and 1.1 atmospheres and all four balls are exactly that.”

Angus Scott cuts things short at Fratton Park:
“Fulham scored in the last minute to snatch a draw, Crouch’s 87th-minute goal from Defoe’s cross.”

It looks set to be a season of firsts for Stephen Alkin:
“History being made today as Hull play in the Premier League at Old Trafford for the first time.”

Read all the guff first in the Champions supplement in Monday’s Irish Examiner