The dapper chameleon of the guff game. who plies his eloquent brand of punditry with at least 400 different media organisations. Lawro saves his big performances for Ray Stubbs’ couch and then sleepwalks through a host of outings for Irish radio, press, and telly.

Unfortunately for his myriad employers, this “game as a pebble” try-anything-once attitude has translated to Lawro frequently trying out words and phrases with which he has only made the vaguest acquaintance.

Thus Gary Neville becomes…
“… palpable for the second goal,”

Burnley getting beat will…
“… stick in their claw,”

and Fabien Barthez tends to …
“… fall between two schools,”

To be fair to Lawro, however, at least he’s not one of those pundits who shouts the odds without ever having had a go at the management lark himself. An eventful spell in charge at Oxford United left him with only one real regret: “Not pushing Robert Maxwell off his boat.”

However, his dealings with Big Bob rather put him off being a gaffer, and apart from a brief spell vainly attempting to persuade Kevin Keegan’s Newcastle to consider defending, he threw his hat – velvet trilby one imagines – into the punditry ring.

Listening to Lawro, perhaps it’s just as well he choose the gantry over the dugout.

That Newcastle gig was always a non-starter:
“It's sometimes easier to defend a one goal lead than a two goal lead.”

It’s doubtful if he could really bring out the best in a side:
“Ireland will always give 99 per cent - everything they've got."

He’s always had trouble with formations:
“It looks like they'll be playing 4-4-1-2.”

And it’s unlikely he’d ever have made it safely to a European away tie:
"Its only a small place Deportivo."

Of course, although it might say “pundit” on his passport, Lawro is really a burgeoning comedian, simply using his ample BBC airtime to hone his act before hawking it around Merseyside’s Working Men’s clubs.

Ray Stubbs and Barry Davies, in particular, are willing foils.

Stubbsy: "What's been missing from Liverpool's play during this run of 1 point from 15?"
Lawro: "Wins."

Davies: "I think you'll recall he (Canizares) missed the World cup through dropping a bottle of aftershave on his foot."
Lawro: "He also missed out on a move to Cologne."

Stubbsy: “I believe Gerard Houllier misses today’s game with vomiting and diarrhea.”
Lawro: "He's not got gastroenteritis. He's just got a bad side."

And as if a promising stand-up career wasn’t enough, Lawro also seems keen to capitalise on Big Ron’s gantry exile to grab a slice of football’s prestigious Dialect Development action. With Ronglish in cold storage, Lawro has been working overtime on the building blocks of Lawrgo – a primitive enough means of communication almost entirely based on rhyming slang.

And so a wild shot blazed high over the bar becomes…
“… pound of bacon, lean back,”

a tired old veteran goes down late in the game with…
“… a bit of rising damp,”

and a keeper’s dodgy handling gives rise to the less-than-liturgically accurate…
"… pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake butcher’s man"

Whatever the old chancer’s faults however, we probably should just be glad to have Lawro still performing at his nonsensical peak.

"Kilbane's like a one-eyed cat in a fish shop - he doesn't know what to do or where to go."

"The qualification was the big thing - they've doubled that!"

“They're in pole position, i.e. third position, for the Champions' League.”

”These managers all know their onions and cut their cloth accordingly.”

"Liverpool have finished fourth, third and second, so if they finish fifth it'll be an average season for them."

“If Mick gets an offer from a Premiership team, I’ve said it tomorrow in the newspaper, he’ll go.”

"He (Veron) can sometimes be the icing on the cake, but other times he's the...umm... piece underneath that nobody sees."

“Classic own goal from Michael Jackson. Bet he didn’t do that in rehearsal. Tell you what, if you were his manager, you’d tell him to beat it. Wasn’t a thriller.”

“It's like the Sea of Galilee - the two defenders just parted.”