Jimmy Magee
Jimmy Magee

BASEMENT BOUND

Jimmy Magee reckons Phil Brown’s boys will soon be checking out:

“It’s like Hull are in a lift descending so fast and stopping at no floor and heading towards… the next storey of their hotel.”

NO LOSERS

Jeff Stelling refused to consider defeat ahead of the Tyne-Tees derby – for anyone:

“A draw is the worst possible result for both of them.”

CLOSE TO THE  BONE

Matt Le Tiss: “All the guys who have gone into management say it’s addictive.” Charlie Nicholas: “What happened to Merse?”

CUT OPEN

His side might need major surgery but after seeing Martin Fulop’s last-gasp save, Ricky Sbragia got started on himself:

“My heart was in my hand.”

THE SIMPLE LIFE

For a while, Phil Thompson reckoned it had all become too much for Jay Lloyd Samuel:

“He was the name on everyone’s lips. I remember seeing things on the television showing his lifestyle. A car, house all this sort of thing. Next thing, that seemed to affect him.”

What next for footballers and the trappings of fame? A suit of clothes? A colour television?

THAT’S A RELIEF

Perhaps mindful of last week’s “little groin problem” jibe that dented Kieran Gibbs’ confidence, Arsene was quick to talk up his centre half’s scoring chances:

“Silvestre has a groin as well.”

EXCHANGE OF THE SEASON

Dunphy: “You don’t know what you’re talking about,”

Souness: “Where did you manage?”

Dunphy: “I didn’t manage anywhere… I managed to stay alive for 63 years, baby.”

WE WON’T ASK

On Talksport, Stan Collymore got his claws out for the UEFA gaffer after Barca’s equaliser:

“Platini is rubbing his hands in glee with a kitty on his lap.”

OUTNUMBERED

Five Live’s Richard Bacon refuses to count Alex Song:

“So, can you and the fans really be the 11th man at the Emirates, Tom?”

NEWS FOR THE DEAF

As Didier Drogba showed previously undetected strength and balance to beat a path to the TV cameras and roar “f***ing disgrace” at ear-splitting volume, Andy Gray thought Sky might just have got away with it:

“Apologies to anyone who can lip-read.”

REWRITING HISTORY

Has Jeff Stelling never seen Match Of The Day?

“He’s (Alan Shearer) spent his life giving his opinions as a pundit. He can’t clam up now he’s a manager.”

BUT FOR THE NET, WE’D ALL BE GONERS

Absolving Manuel Almunia for unfolding like a roll of lino under Ronaldo’s free kick, Jens “Newton” Lehman confounded physics:

“It gets quicker the closer it gets to goal.”

SOFA SO GOOD

It’s not quite a suit of armour for a rabbit caught in the headlights, but United’s two early away goals made George Hamilton quite comfortable:

“Two plump cushions on which to sit.”

CHANGING OF THE GUARD

It’s the time of year when our GAA guffmasters edge onto centre stage. Newstalk’s David Brady has already set a hectic pace:

“If Mayo’s younger players don’t perform, John O’Mahony will have to go back to the drawing room.” “If Kerry make too many changes, they could upset the apple tart.” “Dublin wouldn’t win an All-Ireland even if they had Paul Daniels.”

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