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Mark
Twain once wrote that nobody in
public life should refer to
themselves in the third person
"unless he is the King of
England... or has a
tapeworm."
Sadly the
football world has not heeded his
advice and this worrying trend has
increased
dramatically
in the last few years. It all
started innocently enough. Star
players interviewed
before cup finals or league
showdowns would trot out the usual
platitude: "This
team is not just about **Star
Player Name **, it is about
11 lads... blah, blah.."
(Real
meaning : "I couldn't give a
f__k about this team, it IS all
about me and I'm leaving at the
end of the
season").
This type of talk was pretty rare
and occurred mostly among
the arrogant,
the Dutch (see previous), those
suffering some sort of psychiatric
condition,
and Louis
Van Gaal, who is arguably prone to
all three afflictions.
Then the whole concept was taken
mainstream by that great pioneer
of linguistics, Kevin Keegan.
Rarely has
one man done so much for the
English language in general and
football speak
in particular. King Kev purged the
words "me" and
"I" from his already
bonkers vocabulary, and replaced
them with "Kevin Keegan"
as in "If anyone knows
what its like in that dressing
room, it's Kevin Keegan."
One possible reason for his is
that it may have been easier for
him to admit to his
chronic limitations
if it seemed to him that he was
talking about someone else. So
Keegan, by
turning
himself into a noun, was able to
scrutinise his achievements with a
shocking
candour:
"Unfortunately Kevin Keegan
isn't quite up to the job, and
Kevin Keegan has got to
admit that."
Another
possible reason for this move from
first to third person is the
increasing commdification
(not sure if that's a word, but it
sounds like one) of players, they
are treated
more like commodities or brand
names than footballers - the whole
Beckham image
rights thing
being a prime example.
One player who has tried to
rebrand himself using
the third
person is Andy "Andrew"
Cole. At the start of the season
Cole began
referring to
someone
called Andrew Cole during
interviews. This confused
reporters, fans, commentators
and led us
to believe that Cole's
brother/cousin/father/son was
entering the game.
However, it
transpires that Coley was actually
referring to himself and this
rebranding initiative was presumably
to persuade
us that he was a different player
from the Andy Cole who could miss
chances with
a coolness
and precision that great players
can only imagine.
Andy Cole on Andrew Cole:
"This [move
to Blackburn] has to be the right
move for Andrew Cole."
Andy Cole on Andrew Cole:
"This victory was not
about Andrew Cole. It was about
Blackburn Rovers the team."
However,
it's unclear
if this exercise has been a
success. Before the World Cup Andy
Cole retired
from international football, I
presume Andrew Cole will be
following him.
A less
charitable explanation of the rise
of this phenomenon is the
burgeoning arrogance
of players
and managers who regard themselves
as a sort of royalty, who are to
be honoured
and worshipped.
Louis Van Gaal, never a great
exponent of humility, would seem
to exemplify
this. On hearing rumours of Man.
Utd's interest in him last season
he replied : "I don't
have any
contact with
them but I can imagine that a club
like Manchester United are still
interested
in Louis van
Gaal."
If things
continue at his rate phrases like
"I'm gutted" or
"I've looked up and I've
seen the
lad" will disappear forever.
I am herewith starting a Campaign
for the Re-introduction
Of the First
Person (CROP for short).
Please send your donations to
DangerHere. All monies will
go towards Tapeworm prevention medicines.
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