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The
Gaffta Awards
Rewarding
the World Cup's Guff Kings with a
'Golden George' |
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Surely
one of the all-time great World
Cups. Not for the footie - we reckon
Shamrock Rovers on speed might have
made the semis - but, of course, for
the guff.
Alright, the pre-tournament
favourite was a little subdued -
like Terry Henry and the French, Big
Ron suffered his own unexpected loss
of va va voom. But aside from the
big amusement arcade, there were no
shocks. Yes there was guff, and
plenty of it.
On then with the show. As is
customary at these shindigs, each
gallant guff generator will be
rewarded with the greatest prize in
the guff game, a Golden George; a
specially commissioned metaphorical
trophy, crafted in the likeness of
the great impresario of guff, Mr. G.
Hamilton.
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Beverley
Hills-based guff-addict,
Steve Sanders, and diner
legend, Ailsa Stewart,
host the ceremony. (Kirsty
Gallagher is away) |
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| Best
Foreign
Pronunciation |
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3.
Dave Dir (ESPN)
Hats off to this
fine US sawker
announcer for
continually
referring to
Sweden's midfield
Gooner, as
"Freddy
Luxembourg."
2. Mystery
Swedish TV
commentator.
For labeling
Ireland's keeper,
"Gay Shiven."
Winner
Mr. Graham
Taylor (ITV)
For his often
expressed view
that Blackburn's
Turkish midfielder
was simply
"too-gay"
for this World Cup
lark. |
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Too
Gay for
Cup? |
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| Carry
On Commentating
Award |
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4.
Trevor Brooking
(BBC,
England-Brazil)
"Dyer
just tried to sort
of ride the
defender
there."
3. Clive
Tyldesley (ITV,
France-Senegal)
"Djorkaeff
will be playing in
Zidane's
hole."
2. David Pleat
(ITV,
Germany-Brazil)
"That was a
last gasp hand-job
on the line."
Winner
George Hamilton
(RTE)
For his
disconcerting
revelation - with
seconds remaining
of the final -
that..."this
thing just keeps
on
throbbing.'" |
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"Perhaps
you should
bath
it",
suggests
Little. |
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| Radio
Gaga Award |
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4.
Chris Waddle (Five
Live)
"The Swedish
back four is
amongst the
tallest in the
World Cup. Their
average age is 7
foot 4"
3. Adam Pope (TeamTalk
252)
For his
explanation of the
South Korean speed
skating
celebration;
"What's he
doing? The guy's
lifted up one leg
as if he's peeing
against a
tree."
2. Jonathan
'Robot Wars'
Pearce (Five Live,
USA-Mexico)
"And it's
2-0 to the USA. Is
that a mistake? Is
it a boo-boo? No,
because the USA
are smarter than
the average bear
at this World
Cup!"
Winner
Neil Henderson
and Chris Bergin,
TeamTalk 252
For this fantastic
exchange during
Germany-USA:
Neil: "USA
don't care about
this World Cup.
They think the
World Cup is
something you put
tea in. "
Chris: "Yes,
some of them don't
even know their
sister's
name."
Neil: "Yeah,
some of them can't
even read."
All of which
caused host, James
H Reeve, to remark
at half time:
"At what
point of the
second half, do
you think the USA
will recall it's
ambassador to the
UK?"
POST AWARDS
PARTY CONTROVERSY:
It has come to
DangerHere's
attention (via
Steve Sanders)
that Chris Bergin
was being a little
ironic here. In
fact, Chris is a
noted pro-Team USA
sawker fan, and
was chastising
Henderson for his
guff.
As yet, we can
find no excuse for
Henderson's part
in this episode. |
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Irate
Bush goes
head-to-head
with
Henderson
on
Springer |
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| Best
Act of Guff |
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4.
Darragh Moloney
(RTE)
For spotting a
cunning new
tactic:
"Korea
are trying to
score here."
3. Big Ron
(ITV)
For narrowly
averting a
diplomatic
incident:
"They've
certainly grown,
the Japanese. I
mean grown in
stature,
playing-wise."
2. Jimmy Magee
(RTE)
For his surprise
that a Golden Boot
contender should
emerge so early in
the tournament:
"This means Jon-Dahl Tomasson
is the leading scorer in the World
Cup and its only day two!".
Winner
Trevor Brooking
(BBC)
For his unique
insight and
tremendous local
knowledge:
Gary Lineker: “Trevor
Brooking is in the
Sappora Bowl. What’s
it like, Trevor?”
Trevor: “Welllll...it’s
a bowl shape,
Gary.” |
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Stadium
bowls over
Trev |
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| Outstanding
Achievement Award |
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The
most prestigious
award of all, this
goes to the
guffmonger who
consistently
delivered
first-class guff
throughout the
tournament.
3. George Hamilton
(RTE)
Guff track-record
made him one of
the pre-tournament
favourites, but
suffered badly
from an extended
metaphor drought,
during which he
could hardly put
away a tap-in
simile. Still
produced some fine
moments:
"Mills is
England's number
one left back,
numerically
speaking."
"A
little stud
problem for Steve
Finnan. It's been
solved...by a
spanner."
"He fell down
the stairs,
breaking his ankle
on the day of
Tuesday's game.
Now his team have
fallen down the
stairs
metaphorically,
losing two
players."
"A couple of
sombreros have
been tossed from
the stands. It
looks like the
Mexicans have
thrown their hat
at it."
2.
Graham Taylor
(ITV)
With Ron's poor
form, Taylor saved
the day for ITV.
Though the real
hero of these
finals must be
Graham's gantry
partner, Jon
Champion, who
endured a month of
almost non-stop
guff. Some
examples:
"I
think what
would help the
Ecuadorian side is
if they could get
a glimpse of the
possibility of
scoring a goal.
Champion:
(on Japanese crowd
reaction)
"It's only at
the point of
climax that
there's a ripple
of noise."
Taylor: "I
guess everyone
wouldn't be
affected by
that"
"I
sometimes wish I'd
been shot. But it
never came to
that...nor should
it."
"Their
hospitality has
been fantastic and
a good example to
many other
countries. I can't
think of
one..."
"What a
clinical finish.
That's got nothing
to do with his
haircut at all.
That's footballing
ability."
Winner
Uncle Sir Bobby
Robson (ITV)
Again, Bobby came
into the
tournament with
something of a reputation.
But his absolute
dedication to the
art of
guff-creation
throughout these
finals has stunned
the guff world.
Rightly knighted
in reward for some
early
performances, he
refused to rest on
his laurels.
Fantastic effort:
On blaming Seaman:
"This country
will not blame
David Seaman.
We're not the
country we are, if
we do."
On practising
pens:
"In training,
you cannot put one
hundred thousand
people behind the
goal."
On Ronaldo:
"Remember,
I've lived with
the boy every day
for a year."
On Brazil:
"There will
be a game where
somebody scores
more than them and
that might be the
game that they
lose."
On the beautiful
game itself:
"It never
surprises you,
does it? And it
never sometimes
demoralises
you." |
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Sir
Bob gets
his hands
on George. |
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| Lifetime
Achievement Award |
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The
winner of 154
Golden George
awards throughout
a glorious guff
career, Jimmy has
just completed his
54th World Cup.
Never once in that
time, has his foot
come off the guff
pedal.
Memory man,
jazz-lover, and
founder of guff,
we salute you.
Winner
Jimmy Magee
(RTE)
The Magee World
Cup guff CV
extends to a dozen
bound tomes and is
permanently on
display in the
National Library.
Here are some
extracts from
World Cups past:
"They said it
was the group of
death. In the end
it was very much
the group of
survival,
particularly for
those who
survived."
"The symbol
of peace, the
pigeon!"
On a renowned
diver:
"He could
sell advertising
on the soles of
his boots."
"A CRACKEROO
from Pete
Beardsley!!"
"Ardiles
strokes the ball
like it's part of
his anatomy"
And from these
finals:
On the US:
"Typical
of all their
sports, they play
physically if
maybe not
creatively and
dolly
skilful."
"The
assistant referee
flags. That's what
he's there for -
to assist the
referee. In cases
like this, that's
a very good name
for them."
"The opening
ceremony is broken
into three
sections; prayer,
communication,
harmony, and
sharing."
"Uruguay
don't seem to have
that spark of
genius that all
great teams should
have, for instance
what Richard
Morales produced
for their
equaliser."
"Why is he
kicking the
perimeter fence?
That didn't deny
him the
chance." |
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The
one and
only,
Mr.
Magee |
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