| |
|
Total
and utter control. Oh there's a loose one. Danger
here..... |
|
|
|
The Gaffer
Ties the Knot
He Joins the "House of Windsor"
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
"Will
you, Gaffer, take this woman to be your lawfully
wedded wife, to love and cherish her for the rest
of your life?"
"No
problem, guv'nor."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
With these
words, DangerHere's very own Gaffer, dispenser
extraordinaire of footballing advice and wisdom,
was joined in marriage to Babs Windsor,
sextuagenarian star of stage and screen, on
Saturday.
Glitterati from both sides of the Irish Sea
attended the moving ceremony, including Frank
Stapleton, Sting, Taoiseach Bertie Ahern, Brendan
O'Carroll, Des O'Connor, Paul Dempsey, various
Kray brothers (who also laid on half a dozen
bouncers free for the big day), and many more.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
DangerHere
had to stand outside the church for the ceremony
itself, after the requisite invitations got lost
in the post. Thankfully, however, flyers granting
half-price admittance to the reception afterwards
were freely available in the street, and so
DangerHere is able to bring you coverage of the
great occasion.
Whirlwind
romance
It
was a whirlwind romance for the two lovebirds. The
Gaffer met Babs while she was in Ireland to shoot
an advertisement for Securolock Automatic Gating
Devices Ltd, for whom she replaces ex-policeman
John Stalker as spokesperson.
As Fate would have
it, the Gaffer was in the Securolock showroom that
very afternoon to buy a new security system for
the perimeter of his 45-acre estate in Co. Wicklow.
His 15-bedroom mansion at the centre of the estate
had been subject to several late-night break-ins
in the previous several weeks. Among the stolen
items were his priceless collection of footballing
silverware, including the 1990 Local Island Group
Challenge Cup, which he won with Vanuatu, and his
runner's up medal from the 1985 North Lapland
Triangular Clubs Tournament. |
|
|
|
|
| Sparks
flew
That day, he left the
Securolock showroom having failed to agree a fair
price for a new security system, but having very
much succeeded in securing Babs' hotel phone
number. They met for dinner that evening, and
sparks flew, romantically speaking.
No one but the couple
themselves knows exactly what transpired that
night, but when the Gaffer arrived into his office
at DangerHere Towers the next morning, he was very
different to his normal, brusque self. The vodka
bottle at the back of the filing cabinet remained
resolutely unopened until late in the day.
Several DangerHere clerical
staff even claim to have witnessed the Gaffer
smiling and whistling cheerfully to himself as he
tapped away on his computer, dealing with the
footballing problems of readers all around the
world. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Popped
the question
He met Babs for dinner
again that evening, and the romance continued to
blossom. She was to fly back to London the next morning,
but not before the Gaffer got down on one not-unarthritic
knee, and popped the question to her. Needless to say,
she was overjoyed, and immediately ageed to become Mrs
Gaffer No. 5.
That was ten days ago. In keeping with the whirlwind
nature of their romance, they set the wedding date for
the very next weekend. And so it was that on this
Saturday just past, the Gaffer wedded Babs Windsor.
Smith and Wesson
The ceremony, wonderful
as it was, did not pass without a hitch or two.
Helicopters hovered overhead as the couple exchanged
vows, generating such noise that they could hardly hear
each other.
Once the ceremony was
over, and he had kissed the bride, he surprised
onlookers by storming out of the church, producing a
Smith and Wesson .45-calibre handgun with one hand while
keeping the other placed securely on the crown of his
head lest his expensive hair weave come undone, and
shooting into the sky at the aircraft overhead.
Helicopter crash
As luck would have it,
one round struck a rotor of the helicopter carrying the
Hello! magazine camera crew. The craft spiralled to the
ground, destroying the Burgerland restaurant down the
street. Hello! magazine, the helicopter company, and
Burgerland Ltd all say that they intend to hold the
Gaffer responsible for civil damages.
Pilot and camera crew
have expressed shock from their hospital beds at the
immediate bail of 20,000 granted to the Gaffer to enable
him to enjoy his honeymoon night with his new wife.
Sun City
However, the Gaffer
remains unperturbed:
"I've seen it all
before, mate. I remember when I got hitched to Mrs
Gaffer No. 3 up in Finland - that was to Finnish glamour
model Anita Malmaarhus - there was a bunch of autograph
hunters outside the church blocking the way to the limo.
Lucky for me, I'd brought me rottweiler Archie along for
the ceremony, so while the bridesmaids were throwing
rice on our heads, I let Archie off the leash. He wasn't
long clearing a way through the crowd for us. Course,
when I got back from honeymoon in Sun City, it cost me a
bit to pay the damages claims to all the victims. Still,
I bear no grudges. No hard feelings to any of
them."
The Gaffer and Babs are
expected back from their honeymoon in Mallorca in a
fortnight.
|
|
|
|
|
|
