I just had to talk to ye. Ye might have seen Match o’ de Day last week and seen that I got meself in a spot of bother. We’ve not been playing well lately and some of the lads are not up for it. Against City, I’d had enuff and wanted to show the lads how it’s done in the middle of the park. 

City have a floppy haired langer called Alfie, and I’ve had problems with him before. A couple of years ago as I was going to nail him good and proper, I banjaxed me knee. Never forgiven him. So this time, I sees him and I give him a good whack. Ref comes to send me off, but I’m happy with the job. But just as I’m off, Alfie jumps up and not a bother on him. 

A few years ago, I know I could have taken his leg clean off. Now with all my ranting to the papers about the lads not being up for it, the boss may be thinking the same of me. Now I know that your Laos side was one of the most physical in Asia, so have you any tips that might help me get me old skills back and get me back in the boss’s good books?

Roy

Yeah, I saw the incident. Bloody hell - it looked a clean enuff effort to me. But you see, the game is moving on these days, it’s getting faster and faster and the players are getting stronger. If you don’t adapt, you’ll end up at Boro with Incey. Let me tell you a little story.

Yes, you're right, with Laos I decided to make the side a more physical one. You see, when I got there, it struck me that the team was half full of nancies - the kinds of guys who shave their legs and play for Spurs. Know what I mean? Anyway, I set about putting things to rights. First thing, I got the lads some martial arts course down the local tech. Kung Fu was just the trick. The lads did very well , and the knowledge that they could kill an opponent in any of a number of different ways did wonders for their confidence. Things start going very well, as I leak to the press what’s been happening, scaring the life out of our opponents.

So, all’s rosey, until we play Chinese Taipei on their patch in an Asian Cup qualifier. Nik Du Lak, our center forward, is getting a tough time from the centre half. Getting knocked about something awful and letting the big stopper come out with the ball. So, at half time, I tell Nik that he should be killing the lad, but something gets lost in the translation, cos after a minute in the second half, that’s exactly what he does with a ferocious chop to the neck. The Taipei lad goes down for good.

Well, there’s a big hullabaloo as you’d expect. However, our lawyers get the lad off, when they explain that he’s a martial arts expert and the incident happened as the two lads challenged for a ball on the field of play. Had it been on the streets, then yeah, the lad would be doing porridge. But in football, you’ve got to expect a little argie bargie.

So, Roy, it’s clear. Brush up on your skills with some help from the Orient, and finish him next time. 

All the best The Gaffer.

By God I don’t know which way to turn. I could be in big trouble. I’m a Tipp farmer, and by Jaysus didn’t I buy smuggled cattle in January before all the hoopla over the F&M started. 

Mr Gaffer, I know this isn’t your usual type of question but I hadn’t a feckin clue which way to turn. Tadhg, the young fella, told me about yourself. I bet the tar out of him at first for mentioning soccer. 

See Gaffer, mine is a GAA household and I’m damned if I have one of my own watching, reading or talking about soccer. I just hate that colonial game. I’ll do anything in my power to stop the spread of it. Sure didn't I even head up to that oul meeting a few weeks back when they did down that  treacherous motion to open up Croke Park to foreign games.

But anyway all these problems are beyond me at the moment. If I can’t come up with a way to get rid of these Saxon cattle the Civic Guards will do me for sure. They all ready have me off the road for drinking and driving. The bastards.

Timmy from Thurles.