SHORTLIST FOR THE VACANT SCOTLAND MANAGER’S JOB

With all the World Cup euphoria that has taken over the country in the past week, spare a thought for the other “best fans in the world”, the Tartan Army.  As the jocks haven’t qualified for the World Cup, it’s up to us Paddys to take on the mantle of non-stop party brigade.  Trying on policemen’s hats, singing and dancing with unsuspecting locals at the drop of a hat and the obligatory conga dance around the town square, are the images of the Irish that are bound to be beamed back around the world with various journalists saying that it’s a shame the Irish don’t qualify for every World Cup. 

But while the Irish are celebrating World Cup qualification, the Scots are on the look out for a manager to take them to the next big event, the European Championships in Portugal in 2004.  Now that Craig Brown has taken up a new career singing songs on answering machines, the Scottish FA have had to look further afield in search of a suitable replacement.  In their failure to land a high-profile European manager, DangerHere can reveal the final shortlist of candidates that have been lined up for the prestigious position.

1.   Marti Pellow

      
Renowned football fanatic and former lead singer with Scottish pop act Wet Wet Wet Marti (real name Mark McLachlan) is believed to be the firm favourite with the Scottish FA big wigs.  Marti was touted after a recent benefit gig in Glasgow for ageing pop-stars to bring his expertise into the world of Scottish football.  The Scottish FA are hoping the Wets front-man can brighten up the Scottish team get togethers with his cheeky smile and his ever-popular rendition of the Troggs hit “Love is all around me”.

Credentials:
Marti’s promising football career came to a premature end after getting his black locks tossed in an under-17 cup match in Perth.  Having made a decent living with the Wets, Marti burst back on to the football scene with the purchase of Scottish League club Clydebank, although what Marti has been up to recently is in all honesty a “Sweet Little Mystery”.

Latest odds  5-2

The diminutive Aussie actor has surprised many in making the shortlist for the vacant post.  Apparently his seduction of Patsy Kensit in Lethal Weapon was a major factor in the selection process as it has been alleged that certain members of the Scottish FA were keen to have a man’s man in the top seat so that the procurement of women on away trips would become less of a challenge.  One condition of his appointment is to teach the SFA big wigs how to do the trick with the coin rolling across his knuckles.  However, contrary to speculation Jim Kerr, Liam Gallagher, and Ally McCoist weren’t considered for the position.

Credentials:  
Mel once lined out for an all-star selection before the 1993 FA Cup final but was unable to cope with the round ball and was eventually substituted for Frank Bruno.  Mel went on several leadership courses and burst back on to the scene in the guise of William Wallace in the Braveheart blockbuster.  Mel won an award for “best moon” from a non-Scot at the recent highland games.

Latest odds: 6-1

Hero of the famous 1980’s all-conquering Princes Park, Hamish is best known for his hot-shot and his beautiful blonde mullet.  Hamish was originally a long-shot and is believed to have only made the shortlist to appease certain sections of the Scottish media who are calling for a genuine Scot to manage the National team.

Credentials:  
Having retired from a glittering professional career in 1993, Hamish took a break from the game to make up some of the lost time he confesses that he missed out on in his twenties.  Hamish was seen out and about with good pal Frank McAvennie in several London nightclubs.  After a six month dry-out period Hamish returned to the football scene as youth team manager with former club Princes Park.  Hamish then went on to link up with old international team-mate Blackie Gray and enjoyed an FA Cup victory in 1998.  Hamish has spent the last three years as manager of successful Norwegian outfit Rosenborg.  It is believed that if Hamish gets the job, he’ll bring in former team-mate Kevin “Mighty” Mouse as his head coach.

Latest odds: 15-2

Another firm favourite with the Scottish FA, McKeown is best remembered as lead-singer of the Bay City Rollers and as a 70’s sex symbol.  “Les is a good man to pick up the women and should fit in well with the rest of us”, stated an unnamed Scottish football official. 

Credentials:  
The nearest Les has got to football management was as a guest manager in the once funny Badiel and Skinner Fantasy Football League.  Believed to be a favourite of the tartan army after a guest appearance at a recent away trip whereupon he entertained the crowd with a rousing rendition of “Flower of Scotland” and an encore of “Go Lassie Go”.  Les was the chief promoter of tartan fashion wear back in the 1970’s and is said to favour a new lycra tartan away jersey for the European adventures.

Latest odds: 14-1  

Having won the double last year with Bohemians and successfully guided Carlisle off the bottom of the third division (for a few weeks), Roddy is now talking about five and ten year plans.  Although his ultimate aim is to manage the Irish National team, Roddy feels that the Scottish job will be a little step up from his current position and if he does well he may be in line for a position with a second division club in England. 

Credentials:  
Roddy kicked his way around the League of Ireland before moving in to management.  Winning the double last year upset the regime at Bohemians who were doing alright before Roddy stuck his nose in, and were quite happy not winning league titles.  So Roddy was sent packing so that Bohs could get back to their non-winning ways, which they have done in record-breaking time.  Roddy’s slightly more famous brother Steve “Celtic Warrior” Collins was also renowned for wearing tartan trunks in the ring and promised to make Roddy a suit out of the left-over material that’s lying idle back in the family home in Drimnagh for his first press conference when he gets the job.  Roddy is also a lifelong supporter of Celtic and made it to Glasgow once on a trip with the Naomh Padraig Celtic Supporters Club. 

Latest odds: 12-1