Today FM’s Tom Tyrell has rather
taken centre stage on DangerHere
in recent weeks with his
tongue-twisting, non
sequitor-ridden commentary. But
during this weeks commentary, if
one can call it that, on the West
Ham - Tottenham game, his
co-commentator David Fairclough
appeared to be trying to get in on
the act. That’s not to say he
upstaged Tom, though, who was on
top form not describing the game.
After about 5 minutes of the
game, Tom witnesses a challenge
that makes him think the rules may
have been changed without his
knowledge
“I don’t think you can kick
someone while they’re in the air…unless
someone‘s changed the rules and
not told me.”
Before venturing into the
realms of fantasy
“Oh, and there’s a flag up
there, and if Ferdinand’s
offside, I didn’t say ‘monkey’
earlier on…”
Bored with the game, Tom starts
to describe the view, to obvious
disinterest from Fairclough
“I was a bit worried about
the view from here because of our
distance from the pitch, but it’s
a brilliant view, BRILLIANT …
David nods”
“Well, I just thought we were
going to get some goalmouth action
there…”
“Nah!”
No place for goalmouth action
in a Tyrell commentary.
Still not interested in
describing the action taking place
on the pitch, Tom starts simply
describing the pitch
“This pitch looks beautiful -
mower marks, about 10 yards wide,
all the way up the pitch … well,
maybe not 10 yards, maybe about 8
yards.”
Maybe getting bored with
actually trying to commentate on
the game, Fairclough jumps on the
Tyrell bandwagon
Tyrell “Ferdinand’s
holding his head - I think he’s
claiming he had an elbow on the
head …”
Fairclough “He’s always
holding his head, Tom. He’s
something of an enigma.”
Still bored by the football,
Tom starts eulogising again about
the area around the gantry at
Upton Park
“There’s actually a hotel
under here … you can actually
stay in the private boxes …
there are private boxes that
convert to bedrooms - though not
during the game of course!”
Having had a go at
non-commentary, Fairclough tries
to get back to actually describing
what’s on the pitch, clearly to
Tom’s annoyance
Fairclough “I’ve just
seen …”
Tyrell “I spy with my
little eye … go on …”
Then Tom starts to lose the
plot big time
“And there’s a free kick
now in the box, just in that
little space between the
eighteen-yard line and the
six-yard line, that little
incomplete rectangle. I don’t
know what you’d call that
geometrically, that 3-sided
rectangle.”
And
“Most of the play is in the
middle of the pitch, like a giant
Easter egg.”
Clearly inspired by being in
London, Tom injects a little
history
“He can’t turn three times,
like Dick Whitington might have
done ...”
Then Tom is clearly inspired by
our own George Hamilton when
Sheringham hits the bar
“It needed to be six inches
lower to maybe have crept in
…”
More
Tom Tyrell
Yet
More Tom Tyrell
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