Well, let nobody suggest DangerHere does not put its listeners first. In the interests of commentating posterity and mild amusement, we sat through another of Tom's performances this Saturday, without once switching to Five Live to find out what was happening in the match.

The fixture of which we learned little? Spurs - Arsenal. These were the highlights.


"A braver centre forward may have done better there - not taking anything away from Dennis Bergkamp's bravery."
What Tom takes away with one hand... 

"The referee blows his whistle a thousand times to stop play."
Poor reception meant we heard just the regular three.

"It's Tottenham 5 Spurs 0. Only joking it's still nil-nil."
...and it would have been a good one Tom. Pity.

"Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water."
No idea. This followed a break for a report on the egg-chasing.

"Campbell. For a moment my mind went blank and I wondered why they were booing."
Bear in mind that Tom had spent practically the entire first half discussing the amount of booing Campbell was getting, the effect the booing was having on Campbell, and suggesting that Campbell might score every time he went anywhere near the Spurs goal to...silence the booing.

"Great ball. Gooalll. No. Yes. Goal kick"
Offside, Tom.

"Goalllllll. No. Yes. He's given it. Has he?"
No, Tom.

"We've looked at the replay and that ball clearly crossed the line. Somebody is in trouble."
Sorry Tom. As we saw later, it didn't. Perhaps somebody is.

"Kanu, who almost created the first goal minutes before it was scored."
Now there's a player with vision. He can see into the future.

"Tremendous bad challenge by Sheringham."
Tom's famous bloodlust comes to the fore again.

"Newcastle haven't won in London since William the Conqueror sailed up the Thames."
Nice touch, to be fair.

"The crazy thing about throwing things is that you could hit your own players. Though you shouldn't really throw things at all."
Tom reveals he does know the difference between right and wrong. Just.