1. You're marooned in a part of North Tipperary where the BBC Five Live reception is just a spit and a crackle too indistinct
   
2. You're a football website charged with detailing every fresh nonsense delivered to the airwaves

For if it's nonsense you're after, as well as incompetence, partisanship, and irritation to boot, you need look no further than Tom Tyrell's match commentaries on Premiership Live. 

Before fleshing the bones of Mad Tom's latest performance, it is necessary to detail some important facts about the Tyrell tyranny.

• Tom is a Man United fan. Nothing extraordinary there you might say - except with some mic-men you just sense they're Man U fans, with Tom, no such deduction is necessary. Tom cheers when things go swimmingly for the men of Trafford. When United concede, he is beside himself with anger. It is not pretty.
  
• Just to prove we're not paranoid, DangerHere's diligent team of investigators did a little digging in the depths of the Tyrell CV. It appears our Tom spent some time as the stadium announcer at Old Trafford and has also penned at least two Man U books; The Illustrated History of Manchester United and The Illustrated Cantona. It appears Tom's writing style is most suited to heavily illustrated tomes. One suspects the pictures need to paint several thousand words.
  
• Tom is old school. Normally paired with similarly long-toothed pundits like David Fairclough or Mick Martin, the afternoon is usually spent moaning about how football has become "non-contact" and surmising that some of the foreigners on view "still don't like it up 'em".
  
• Tom will not help you glean what's happening in the football match at which he's supposedly present. He is useless at commentating.

Anyway, on with the action. 

This week, Tom was not best pleased at missing the Man U - Leeds match to travel North for the Sunderland - Arsenal clash. Much of the early minutes were spent moaning about the motorway traffic. But once he got into his stride....

"...challenge by Lauren, excellent tackle by the Frenchman"
Early doors, Tom swiftly dispels any notion that he knows what he's talking about with this reference to Arsenal's Cameroon international.

"...and speaking of Dutch total football, here's Wiltord"
Perhaps it's fair to say the World outside of England, nay Manchester, is scarcely Tom's oyster. All the same, those foreigners.

"I hope this livens up. This pie was more exciting than the first half."
Still upset at being so far from home, Tom's mood has not been helped as the hated Gooners have gone a goal up.

"It wasn't a terrible foul but it was quite exciting the way he came in and took his man."
Tom cheers up a little as one of Sunderland's midfield assassins satisfies his bloodlust.

"To bring down one man is good, but three, that must be a record."
Pie forgotten, Tom is up for it now after Schwarz carries out Reidy's instructions to the letter.

"Everybody's swinging at it. It's like those little men on twirly things you have in the pub."
Eloquence, command of the English language. No, not Tom.

"The Argy that's been bargied is Arca"
More George than the Georges themselves. Perhaps Tom's finest hour.

"Henry had wandered lonely as a cloud to be fifteen yards offside."
Tom knew that one poem he remembered from GCSEs would come in handy some day.

"It's gotten so exciting I've forgotten the score. I had to look at my notes to get it right. It's 1-1"
You can't expect these guys to count as well. What are co-commentators for anyway?

"And Patrick Vieira is walking down the tunnel, shaking hands with Peter Reid".
What's going on? Has the Arse's angry Frenchman been sent off again? No, Tom just forgot to tell us that the game had finished.