And who pops up in the box? Yours truly, Alan Shearer. 
Colin Hendry

It's just a matter of running down the clock now. Oh danger here....

 And have your medical problems solved by the Physio!


Dear Gaffer 

I recently arrived early in my local boozer and sat at a table awaiting my friends. There was a group of girls beside me and I overheard them discussing football. There were no other boys with them or in the immediate area. Do you think they fancied me?



"Lonely" plays it cool as some ladies ogle him (maybe) 


Look, mate, there's no point in fooling yourself. Those ladies don't fancy you. They're just out to use you. They want you for your wallet, not for yourself.

Believe me - I've been there. I've seen it all, me. My present wife excepted, I've been taken for a ride by ladies manys a time in the past, and not in the good way, neither!

My first wife, Lady Persephone von Sinke, for example, took me to the cleaner's in a messy divorce in 1973. Not only did she get the house, me motors, and the three horses, but she used her wicked charms to get the judge to make me pay her alimony too. From 1973 until she got married again in 1988 to Eric Clapton, I paid her a grand total of 2,067,091.62.

My advice to you, son, is to give those ladies a wide berth. Wait until that fateful day arrives when you meet that very special someone who will set your heart afire, just like Babs has done with mine.

When that day comes, you won't need to turn to the Gaffer or anyone else for advice... all you'll have to do is listen to your heart!


Need advice from the Gaffer? Then send your 
footballing problems to

Click here for more from the Gaffer.





 Dear Physio

Yesterday afternoon, I was walking through the club car park after a routine training session when I was struck by a slow-moving, heavy vehicle. I didn't get the registration before the vehicle fled the scene. However, my dolly-bird managed to capture the moment of impact on the polaroid camera I'd just bought her for her birthday.

Ever since the accident I've had trouble breathing. I think me ribs were crushed.

What should I do?



The Physio replies...


Dear Breathless

I'm afraid that the photo you sent me confirms that you did indeed get crushed ribs.

However, don't worry. What you need to do is get your dolly-bird to go down the chemist's and pick you up some paracetamol. That should ease the soreness. 

Apart from that, you should be right as rain in no time at all. Take it from me - I've seen this kind of thing a million times.

The Physio