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The
Gaffer's Back! |
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Alright,
mates? I'm back from
Mallorca after a wonderful
honeymoon with Mrs
Gaffer No. 5, lovely
Babs Windsor.
Things
have been going swimmingly
for us in our life as man
and wife so far. For us
newlyweds, it's been
wall-to-wall been sun,
sea, sangria and... well,
you get the picture. It's
been great.
Actually,
there's were one or two
dodgy incidents I'd rather
not recall. We were
walking along the seashore
one evening at sunset, and
Babs was rabbiting on
about how romantic it was,
or something. I was trying
to figure out in me head
whether Aston Villa still
had a chance of making it
into the UEFA Cup. John
Gregory's been a good pal
of mine for many years. I
have all his CDs with the
Suedes in me car. Lovely
voice, he has.
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Me
and the missus relaxing in the pool |
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One individual who doesn't have a lovely voice is
me wife Babs. Don't get me wrong - I love her to bits. Top lady, she
is. Dead classy and that. But at that moment, trying to visualise
the League table in me head while she's nattering on, pulling at me
arm trying to get me to wade in the surf with her, I lost me head.
"Babs," I says to her, "I'm
going to go off by meself for a bit. Why don't you go back to the
villa and have a chat with that nice swinger couple who moved in
next door yesterday?"
Well, I continued on me way, and just had
Aston Villa's UEFA situation figured when I was called by a couple
of birds. Dead rough, they were, but well up for it. They were being
followed by a camera crew. It turned out that they were doing an
episode of Mallorca Uncovered for Sky One. They persuaded me to go
to the local night club with them. Had a dead good time, I did.
At the end of the night, about 430AM, I had me
chance with one of the ladies, but I says to her "Sorry, love.
I'm taken." With that, I was off down the road, back to the
villa and me lovely bride.
Not that she appreciated the gesture. She was
in a right huff when I get into bed. Wouldn't speak to me until
lunchtime the next day when I returned from town with a rock the
size of a small mountain on a 100-carat gold ring.
Anyway, all's well that ends well. We're back
home now, and ready for action. Get those letters rolling in. I feel
like sorting a few footie problems!
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Need advice from the Gaffer? Then send
your
footballing problems to thegaffer@dangerhere.com
Click here for more from the Gaffer. |
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| Dear
Physio |
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Last
weekend I shipped a
heavy challenge from
a centre-half. I
received a nasty
elbow in the back of
the head for good
measure.
Ever
since, I've been
laid up in bed. I
don't have much
sensation below the
neck. In fact, I had
to dictate this
letter to the wife
because I don't have
full use of me hands
at the moment.
I
enclose a photo of
the challenge. Is
there anything you
can suggest to get
me back on my feet?
Alan
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The Physio replies...
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| Alan
I've
looked at the
photograph, and
asked a couple of
colleagues to give
me their opinion.
We reckon that you
have what is known
in the business as
acute decapitation
of the head.
There
are two operations
that can get you
back on your
feet.
You
can have a new
body grafted onto
the base of your
neck. This should
restore the
mobility you're
lacking at the
moment.
Alternatively,
you can have a
head grafted onto
the top of your
shoulders.
However, you
should bear in
mind that the
side-effects of
this procedure can
include some loss
of memory and
personality
change.
Hope
that helps,
The
Physio
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