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Yes,
Mr. Stewart,
sir
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While
the lad McCarthy has pulled his
socks up of late, DangerHere still
reckons the Irish lads aren't out
of the woods when it comes to away
day capitulations. So
mindful of the upcoming
trips to Cyprus and Estonia,
we set out to find a man
of stature to deliver our lads
safely to Japan and Korea 2002.
Our brief was simple. The new man
would be a stout fellow, steely of
nerve and clear of mind. And he'd
command the instant respect of the
boys in green, who would now think
again before enjoying car-top
gymnastics on the way home from
Copperface Jacks, and might even
consider it worthwhile to pick up
former Yugoslavs at last minute
corner kicks.
Events in Summer Bay have always
concerned the lads at DangerHere
Towers and one day realisation
dawned. Alf Stewart was our man.
There he was, a raging block of
a man. A proud figure with his
head held high, a pillar of his
community. Alf would take no
nonsense. Constantly frustrated by
the shiftless youth of "the
bay", Alf railed against
these "flamin' yahoos"
threatening to have their
"guts for garters"
should they not mend their
feckless ways.
And
the man had success. After Alf had
said his piece - usually after
suggesting "let me have a
yarn with the boy, Don" -
all manner of useless lad would
abandon their ways of destruction
and begin gainful employment in
the surf club rather than "hoon
around trashing the joint".
Even aspirant entrepreneur, exotic
dancer, and general ne'er do well
Vinnie heeded the big man's words,
and became sufficiently well
regarded in the surf club to
marshal operations when Alf was
stricken with one of his endless
litany of heart attacks.
Yes,
the old boy's health was our only
concern. But we reckon he's seen
it all now, been to the edge and
back so many times, that a few
fretful nights defending slender
leads in the Baltics or such, will
be a breeze. But nothing if not
fair, we refused to simply back a
hunch. Oh no, reluctant to abandon
our current leader - apparently no
blood relation of David Connolly -
without a fair hearing, we
compared the credentials of the
two men in a series of relevant
categories.
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| Head
to Head:
Big
Alf
versus
Big
Mick |
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Experience |
Tons of top-level
managerial experience. Cut
his teeth in a successful
village store, before
going on to turn an old
shed into a thriving bait
shop. President,
secretary, and treasurer
of every committee in the
bay, the Aussie dynamo
still has time to
co-ordinate search and
rescue teams for the
bi-weekly disaster that
threatens a much-loved
member of the community.
And that surf club doesn't
run itself either you
know.
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Took Millwall to mid-table
in the First Division. |
| Verdict:
Alf |
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Loyalty |
Stands by whining
battleaxe partner in
recognition of her diner
management skills
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Stands by Ian Evans
despite his lack of any
discernible skill,
management or otherwise |
| Verdict:
Mick |
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Luck |
Has survived dozens of car
crashes, heart attacks,
and duffing ups by hoons
with clumsy break-in
skills. Has also shaken
off bomb attack by crazed
son and has seen the
lovely Ailsa come back
from the brink at least
once. Though this may not
be considered fortunate |
By his own admission,
'Lucky' McCarthy has
brought no great fortune
to playoff-failing
Ireland. Still, his
getting the job in the
first place has to be
attributed to something. |
| Verdict:
Alf (narrowly) |
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Playing
Honours
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Still proudly recalls
schools 'footy' triumph of
youth. And if memory
serves us, he dabbled in a
bit of tennis with sister
Celia before goodeggness
took up most of his time.
Also a keen and proficient
fisherman. |
Committed most fouls in
1990 World Cup. By a clear
margin.
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| Verdict:
Alf (by a street) |
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Discipline |
Flamin Nora! Babb you
gutless wonder. Stop
hooning around on me ute
or I'll have your guts for
garters. Tell you
something Ailse, these
gallahs need a right good
hiding eh. |
Copperface Jacks Mark?
Yeah you should get in all
right. Just don't bring
Quinny, you know what he's
like, he'll get those
Disco Pants out again. |
| Verdict:
Reckon it's Alf |
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| So
there you have it.
It's clearly time
the nation resumed
its healthy
relationship with
fishermen managers
and let the mighty
Alf Stewart put
manners on the
boys in green |
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