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I
am man of passion and substance – a
footballer extraordinaire, a poet, a
dreamer, a raconteur - a renaissance man,
if you will. I have a dream and a
nightmare in one.
I
wish to return to the working man's
Theatre of Dreams, a stage where once I
played the King! I have conquered
the giants of beach football and have
treaded the boards with aplomb, but it is
time for me to return to my public.
However,
I fear that my dream may become a
nightmare, if my dark side were once again
to materialise... zut alors! Can you
help me?
"Erique"
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Erique's Nightmare...
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Gaffer replies...
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Oh,
yeah. I remember you, mate.
You were the one with the collar up, innit?
Yeah.
Listen, mate, my advice to you is LWEA,
know what I mean? Leave Well Enough
Alone. You had a few touches, a bit
of this, a bit of that, scored a few
goals, and that's all very well. But
look, mate, you've had your chips.
Actually, by the look of you, you've had
quite a few chips.
I'd
stick with the beach football and the
acting lark if I was you, sunshine.
I've seen you as the poncey frog
ambassador in the film about the Queen -
but remember, footballers in tights find
it hard to get respect in the dressing
room. Think of John Barnes.
Your old club wants a boss man a touch
less poncified than your good self.
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Impressed by The
Gaffer's advice? Then send
your
footballing problems to thegaffer@dangerhere.com |
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| MY EMBARRASSING
ONE-ON-ONE PROBLEM
Dear Gaffer,
A friend of mine has recently
had some rather embarrassing moments when engaged in one-to-one
interaction with opposing goalkeepers.
Perhaps most worryingly,
when he gets very close to his opponent, he's unable to get a shot
off. Usually, he runs in on the goalkeeper, considering his
options, and then rather lamely allows the ball to run into the
keeper’s hands. Please, please, please can you help me, err him?
Confused, Cork.
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The
Gaffer replies...
Tell your "friend"
that he’s not alone, mate. It can happen to the best of us, and
I should know. In
one-on-one situations, you have three options.
One, you can approach the
keeper, but slip it past or under him early doors.
Second, and this is a tempting
but tricky one, you can try and chip the keeper. Be warned that
you must only attempt this if you are greater than 20 yards from
goal. Chipping the keeper from inside the box is strictly for the
Brazilians, not for your average punter from the East End. You'll
probably see your cheeky chip going comfortably into the keeper’s
chest, so don't try it if you've got low self-esteem.
The third option is to take
the ball around the keeper and tuck it away. Nice idea, but again
has its downsides. For instance, having rounded the keeper, you
have an open goal, but may find yourself on your weaker
foot.
My advice to your
"friend" is to attempt to beat the keeper with an early
low shot. The worst that can happen is that he makes a save.
Practice is the key.
A good way to improve is to
use the old trouble and strife, or if you're a youth player, your
younger sister as a goalkeeper. Scoring is easy here, but the
basics should be the same. Go easy on them, though - they're only
birds, after all. This should be seen as a confidence building
measure for chronic cases.
Also remember that crafty
players always have backup excuses at the ready. Here are some
options: Claim that you thought you were offside anyway, or that
the long grass/bumpy surface caused you to underhit/slice the
ball. In other words, use your nut, mate.
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Dear Gaffer,
Your football advice
seems solid enough, but how can I be sure I can trust your
judgement? What's your footballing pedigree?
Skeptical, Stoneybatter.
The
Gaffer replies...
What's my
pedigree? I'll tell you, sunshine. Here's my CV.
1964-66:
Apprentice at
Aldershot.
1966-68:
Striker, left back,
right back for Burton Albion.
1968-71:
Signed as a professional
by Mansfield Town. Unluckily, a knee injury and failing
sight ended my playing career at this stage.
1972-73:
Studied for FA coaching
badge - Passed at third attempt. My eyesight gave me a bit
of grief in the written exam. Enthusiasm and perseverance
saw me thru' and become my watch words.
1974-75:
Coached on backroom
staff in lower leagues - Halifax, Rochdale. Miserable time.
1975-78:
Got first management job
in Norwegian 2nd division with Vard Haugesund. Three good
seasons.
1978-79:
Joined My Paa coaching
staff in Finland as second in command.
1979-90:
Became frustrated in the
Finnish top flight and accepted managerial role for World
Cup 1982 qualifying stages in Oceania Groups with Vanuatu.
Restricted Aussies to double figures in first game. I liked
the lifestyle so I stayed on as manager for next two
qualifying tournaments.
1990-94:
Became manager for Laos
for 1994 qualifiers.
1994:
Retirement.
2001:
Tempted out of
retirement by big money contract with DangerHere. |
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