No discerning follower of Sky 1's Dream Team can fail to be intrigued by minor character Andy Ansah, Harchester United's deputy gaffer. In the three seasons to 1999/2000, Ansah performed well as a utility player, bolstering Harchester's defence or midfield as required. This season, he's no longer named as a squad member. Instead, he's moved to the sidelines, functioning as coach, role model for the players, and wily confidant of manager Ray Wyatt.

And yet, just as Ansah's star has waned as a player, it has begun to wax as an actor. Episode after episode this season, we see Ansah get more lines, and deliver them with increasing confidence. These days he's putting some of the "real" actors to shame.

That's not to say he's any good as an actor. In fact, he's rubbish. He delivers every line with the blank stare characteristic of the non-thespian. His character is purely functional, saying things like "All right, you clowns! Don't stand about! Get out on the field and get warmed up," and "Awright, Scotty? Scotty? He's in one of his moods. No, no, leave it, gaffer. It's not worth it."

However, he has been improving of late. DangerHere suspects that he's been receiving acting lessons with a view to expanding his role even further, perhaps in the hope of eventually stepping into Ray Wyatt's shoes and becoming a full-fledged character in his own right. Good luck to him. We'd like to see it happen.

However, the question on everyone's lips must be, If Andy Ansah's not an actor, then who the hell is he? As a special public service, DangerHere ansahs that question.

Let's start with a few basic facts. Andy was born in Lewisham on March 19, 1969. As a child, he loved to play football with his friends, and one day hoped to become a professional footballer. His dream started to become a reality in 1988, when he spent a season playing as a striker for non-league Dorking. Here he obviously caught the eye of at least one scout, because the following season he was playing for the more illustrious Brentford. Things were looking up for Andy. Indeed, in the 1990/1991 season, he began a long and fruitful association with Southend United, for whom he made 141 appearances over six years, and scored 33 goals along the way. So successful was he at this club that he was recently voted 13th Greatest Ever Southend Player. Just for comparison, the great Ronnie Whelan only managed 16th place in the same poll. (Stan Collymore won it.)

This was to prove the most productive part of his career as a player. Things were obviously going a little bit pear-shaped for him at Southend in 1995, because in that year, he returned to Brentford for a brief spell on loan. In March 1996, he was let go by Southend, and played a couple of games for Peterborough Utd, followed by a spell with Gillingham that ended around Christmas of that year. The goals seem to have dried up for Andy by then. His match statistics of this period make for grim reading, although press reports indicate he was a dedicated, courageous player. In 1995, for example, while still playing for Southend, he challenged Reading player Jeff Hopkins for a loose ball and ended up judo-throwing him to the ground, splitting the lad's lip in the process. He received a yellow card for his trouble, and later retired injured, leaving his team with ten men for the remainder of the game.

After Gillingham he spent a couple of months with Leyton Orient, followed by a few more months with non-league Hayes. Andy's career was in serious decline. He needed to pull it out of the fire before it was too late. This he did, thankfully, because in 1997 he began a two-season spell with Brighton and Hove Albion. It was at Brighton that Andy, in a tense tie with Scunthorpe, dislocated his shoulder. The club doctor relocated it immediately, causing Andy great pain, but doing him a big favour in the long run. Art was to imitate life recently when Harchester goalkeeper Jamie Parker dislocated his shoulder in the cause of his fictitious club. Parker was immediately brought into the treatment room where the Harchester club doctor relocated his shoulder. Who was there holding the agonised goalie down as this painful procedure was performed? That's right - it was Andy Ansah, who winced convincingly as the errant limb slotted back into its socket. DangerHere reckons it's safe to say that Andy had no trouble employing Method Acting techniques during this scene.

In May 1999, Andy joined Farnborough Town, though reports suggest he hasn't played for them at all in the 2000/2001 season. Probably because of his showbiz commitments, attending awards ceremonies, fielding the approaches of dolly-birds, opening bottles of champagne, etc.

In all, Andy graced the team sheet of at least ten clubs during his professional career. And yet, in the history of all these moves, one fact stands out: no money ever changed hands during an Ansah transfer. It's as if the man, anticipating the sea-change in European law that was the Bosman ruling, deliberately eschewed exorbitant transfer fees through a combination of savvy club choices and skilful negotiation. However he managed it, by all accounts, Andy saved lower-league clubs a pretty penny during his career.

His seemed a depressing fate, to follow the trajectory of a lower-league footballer travelling in ever-decreasing circles as he moved past the big three-zero. Instead, like a cat, he landed on his feet. For this reason, Andy Ansah, DangerHere salutes you. Total respect, bruv. You're living the dream. Very literally. If only there was a football-club-based drama series to bail out every retiring lower-league footballer, the PFA would have a much easier time of it.

P.S. Andy, if you're reading this, drop us a line at editor@dangerhere.com and let us know how you're getting along.