Stelling’s lovely wristy hurlers, Sherwood’s bungled break-in, Joanne Cantwell takes pity and more.

Has the smooth-talking Jeff Stelling suddenly become football’s answer to Cyril “As such, Ger” Farrell? Maybe Jeff has allocated all of his vocabulary to his upcoming Countdown gig, but every second sentence on Saturday meandered to a similar end:

“Did Roy have nobody around him to help him and such like?”

“We saw the mild-mannered Roy giving interviews and such like.”

“Where did it start to go wrong and such like?”

Where indeed?

 

* * * *

 

THE DIRECT APPROACH

It took several bungled heists before Tim Sherwood realised he didn’t have the patience to be a career criminal:

“Get your players on who can unlock the door and sooner or later they will break the door down.”

Tim’s sage advice was delivered at the interval during United-Sunderland siege. And to be fair, it at least matched Steve McManaman’s opening gambit:

“There’s a break in the game now for half-time…”

 

* * * *

 

HEAD NOR TAIL

Joanne Cantwell didn’t become the female voice of every sport on RTE without knowing one end of a footballer from the other. Or did she? A couple of miscued headers from Hull’s Brazilian brought the verdict:

“There was little inspiration in Geovanni’s shooting.”

Still with all the moaning we usually get from Razor and Gilesy, it’s good to see Joanne tenderise Premier Soccer Saturday with the milk of human kindness:

Watching Boro’s Ross Turnbull allow Bernard Mendy’s shot squirm onto his near post before elbowing the rebound over the line, Joanne couldn’t envisage an outcome where the goalkeeper might have made more advantageous use of his limbs:

“…very little he could have done about it.”

 

* * * *

 

SECOND IS NOWHERE, TRY THIRD

Aberdeen gaffer Jimmy Calderwood pays some kind of tribute to his Motherwell counterparts:

“We know it is going to be very difficult because Mark McGhee and Scott Leitch are winners. They showed that last year by finishing third.”

 

* * * *

 

WALKING PACE

Andy May wasn’t impressed with how Schalke paved their pitch for the clash with Manchester City:
“It was very pedestrianised.”

 

* * * *

 

ABLE-BODIED

With his old foe running for the hills, Big Mick is sticking to the basics. His explanation for Andy Keogh’s good form:

“He did well because he’s got legs.”

 

* * * *

 

OR ARE THEY DANCER?

Agreeing with the man in the middle is still alien to Andy Gray:

“They always tell me they are only human the referees, and I have to believe them on that.

 

* * * *

 

GOALS WIN GAMES

Rob Hawthorne has a theory about City’s Eastland successes:

“Man City have scored in all of their home wins this year.”

A point not lost on fellow Sky man Guillem Balague, who worries Valencia are going about things all wrong:

“If they don’t score, as they didn’t against Sevilla, it is very difficult for them to beat teams.”

 

* * * *

 

WELL-CHOSEN WORDS

Lee Cattermole bounces back on Soccer Saturday after being arrested for disorder outside a nightclub:

“For me, I just took it on the chin.”

 

Spotter’s badges to Liam Delaney and Chris Glover

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