For anyone uninitiated in the original language of the gantry, first learn the Ronglish basics.

Boy Wonder job

Throughout the Ronglish lexicon, it’s abundantly clear that Ron draws a good deal of inspiration from the small screen. And of course Boy Wonder job can only be a reference to Adam West’s dapper sidekick in the sixties TV version of Batman, a gentleman whose style Ron clearly admired.

In the good old days, if one of Ron’s favourites happened to be on the bench, the old day-dreamer always fancied him to come on and bag the winner, to do a Boy Wonder job, as it were. Kerpow, Smash etc.

The phrase was particularly in vogue during David Beckham’s last days at Old Trafford, as the one-paced dandy became largely surplus to Sir Fergie’s requirements. Indeed, at the time many suggested this was Ron’s nod to the increasingly homo-erotic relationship between Robin Becks and his own contrary, totalitarian Batman figure.

Ron might say:

Little Scholesy’s just itching to get on down there. I just wonder if he could come on and do a Boy Wonder job.

Mrs. Ron might say:

Just leave it Ron. The sink wouldn’t have been blocked in the first place if you only took some of your bloody rings off. I suppose I’ll have to get young Simon in number ten to pop in again and do a Boy Wonder job.

Buy a Ticket

Sick of being stung for sponsored walks at work? Best give Ron a wide berth too. For it’s seldom that the big man gets through ninety minutes without encouraging one of the forward players on display to purchase a ticket for some raffle or other.

Still, generous to a fault, at least Ron puts up a decent prize. No pawning you off with a bottle of sherry or a leg of lamb here. First ticket out of the hat wins the opening goal.

Bashful genius that he is, Ron has actually gone on record to attribute the origin of this Ronglish staple to former West Brom attacking midfielder Tony Brown.

When he was WBA gaffer, Ron called Tony – who scored over 200 league goals for the club – Der Bomber, after German fox in the box, Gerd Muller.

It seems Tony was never shy of taking his chances and having a dig, so much so that his training ground catchphrase became “If you don’t buy a ticket, you won’t win the raffle.” No doubt it’s a convenient mantra recited to this day at the Hawthornes, every time Brown successors like Luke Moore opt for wild attempts instead of squaring to better placed colleagues.

Ron might say:

Credit to the little beaver for getting on the end of that but I can’t believe he’s popped that off instead of pulling the trigger. If you don’t buy a ticket, you won’t win the raffle.

Mrs. Ron might say:

I know you’ve told him before, Ron, but it wouldn’t do that nice Mr. Champion any harm to smarten himself up a bit and pop down the social club one evening. As you always say, if you don’t buy a ticket, you won’t win the raffle.

Creeping

The natural evolution of Ron’s great love affair with John O’Shea. It seemed the big man couldn’t help but wonder what kind of master-race offspring his ardour for Johnno might produce. Why else would he invariably liken the Waterford man’s occasional surges past rebound-positioned wide men to the fledgling movements of a small child.

O’Shea might have been one of the first to inspire this slice of nouveau Ronglish, but eventually Ron urged any enterprising full-back faced with an opponent that tends to track back in installments, to start creeping. How do you think Gary Neville finally scored a European goal?

Ron might say

I know I’ve said this before, Clive, but I just wonder if the big Irishman shouldn’t start creeping for a diagonal or two.


Mrs. Ron might say

Easy Ron, it might seem like a good idea now after those pina coladas you’ve had, but just wait until a little orange nipper starts creeping round your gantry.

Do the Shopping

As we’ve seen in recent brushes with reality TV, Ron could be accused of being something of a chauvinist.

Housework, for example, is a task Ron considers much more suited to the talents of a lady.

However, funnily enough, on the field of play Ron is quick to advocate the equitable distribution of domestic chores. While one centre-midfielder might be expected to “stay at home to mind the house”, his partner will be called upon to do the shopping. Essentially, this involves “joining up” with the front two whenever possible. Naturally, bloodvessels ought to be burst in the process.

Ron might say:

He’ll just ask Makele to stay at home and do the screening job while Lampard does the shopping.

Mrs. Ron might say:

Big man, I think I’ll stay at home and let you do the shopping.

Ron might say:

You’ve been watching cartoons, love.

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