Tommy Smyth

Louth's finest export Tommy Smyth continues to be a fixture in ESPN's sawker output - a job, sadly for Tommy, that rarely requires him to vacate the comfort of his nearest ESPN commentating broom cupboard.

Chief amongst Tommy's armoury of the assinine is his most oft-used catchphrase "onion bag", which of course is a euphemism for the goal-net (as in "That's a pretty important bulge in the ole onion bag!"). You really need to hear it to fully appreciate the irritation level.

Tommy fancies himself as a bit of a joker. Every match sees him try his hand at a bit of improv.

"Lebouf is so far up the field, he will need to call a taxi to get back in time."
Fair enough, but Tommy doesn't know when to let it lie…

"Had he scored that, it would have been worth the taxi-fare."


"Do you like your hamburgers well-done? Because they will be if they don't win today."
Inevitable quip about Hamburg SV in the Champions League.


"There's Juan Carlos, the Spanish king. So there's royalty here besides ourselves."
Unfortunately, not only is Tommy unlikely to bleed blue, he is not always certainly not even "here". He's sitting behind a microphone in Connecticut watching the match on TV.


"Left-back may be Roberto Carlos' address, but you never find him at home there."

No wonder viewers are going postal.

"Like my mother said to me: 'If your cat had kittens inside an oven, would you call them scones?'"
A dodgy remark about naturalized black Pole Olisadebe.


"Madrid don't want to go to Turin with Juventus alive."
For bloodthirsty Tommy, football is very much a matter of life and death.



It's fair to say physics is probably not Tommy's strongest suit:

"The ball is turning away, but if it turns itself in, it's in the back of the net."

However, there are times you just can't argue with Tommy, no matter how much you might want to:

"Liverpool don't do very well in Italy, especially against Italian teams."

"It's 1-1, and if there are no more goals it'll be a draw."

"He's not fast, but he's quick."
Tommy's not crap, but he's rubbish.

"He deserved the free kick but was fortunate to get it."
Tommy's fortunate to be a commentator, but deserves something else.



"If you drew a line that the lawnmower has drawn, then you'd see he wasn't offside."
All linesmen should be equipped with lawnmowers.


"Kelly knows all about Luis Enrique because he played against him for the Republic of Ireland against Portugal recently."
Luis Enrique is, of course, Spanish.


"I'd say he's got a chance of selling shoes."
Tommy's baffling response when asked about Arrigo Saachi's chances of being the next England manager.

"Venegoor just turns and lampoons it into the net."
Tommy unveils satire as PSV's secret striking weapon.


"It must be hard to convince yourself you're playing on the road when you're playing at home."
Must be even harder to think of a reason to do so.


"Synergy. I love that word, don't you? Sometimes you keep the good wine till last."
We suspect the good, bad and indifferent wine may very well come out at kick off.