Before he tumbled to disgrace in the
Stade Louis II, Big Orange Ron was known not as a racist
lunatic, but as football punditry’s great linguistic
innovator. To learn the lingo, go
here.
However, while the jewel-strewn genius is rightly lauded
for his pioneering phraseology, many people forget the
equally phenomenal contribution Ron has made to the
timeless art of guff. However, while less distinguished
guff merchants are betrayed by the folly of their own
nonsense, Ron’s occasional faux pas only further
underlines his unique contribution to the game.
Football Knowledge
Football may be a beautiful game, but it's not a simple
one. Establishing the mastery that Ron exudes takes
years of experience and training. Witness these astonishing
insights from the big goldhorse. It just doesn't have
a price....
"They've done the old-fashioned things
well; they've kicked the ball, they've headed it..."
"I've had this sneaking feeling throughout the
game that it's there to be won."
"Woodcock would have scored,
but his shot was too perfect."
"They must go for it now as
they have nothing to lose but the match."
"Now Manchester United are 2-1
down on aggregate, they are in a better position than
when they started the game at 1-1."
Mastery Of Language
(a) The metaphor
Co-commentating apprentices like Beglin and Waddle
may think it's sufficient to arm yourself with a single
metaphor before commenting on an incident. Not Ron.
Real legends come to the party with metaphors and
similes aplenty, and do not hesitate to lump the whole
lot into a single sentence if the situation demands.
Confusion? We prefer to call it genius.
"Beckenbauer has really gambled all his eggs."
"Tony Adams - he's the rock that the team has
grown from."
"He sliced the ball when he had it on a plate."
"Someone in the England team will have to grab
the ball by the horns."
"They've picked their heads up off the ground
and they now have a lot to carry on their shoulders."
"He's treading on dangerous water there..."
"Chelsea look like they've got a couple more
gears left in the locker."
(b) Clarity
Ron's spent long enough wrestling with The Sun crossword
to know that people don't like to be kept guessing.
While peppering his co-commentary with fascinating
insights and useful facts, Ron's precise language
skills ensure that even the non-initiated can closely
follow events on the pitch.
"There's a little triangle - five left-footed
players."
"For me the book’s still open on Totti."
"You think he’d chance his hat there."
"Liverpool are outnumbered numerically in midfield."
"I would also think that the replay showed it
to be worse than it actually was."
"He's not only a good player, but he's spiteful
in the nicest sense of the word."
"The keeper was unsighted - he still didn't see
it."
"You half fancied that to go in as it was rising
and dipping at the same time."
"That was Pele's strength - holding people off
with his arm."
Decisiveness
It's no picnic putting your neck on the line with
bold predictions every week, you know. Look what happened
to Rodney Marsh’s hair and Lawro’s tache,
for example. Ron, in the best tradition of plucky
punditry is never afraid to call it early.
"I wouldn't say Ginola is the best left
winger in the Premiership, but there are none better."
"Well, either side could win
it, or it could be a draw."
"City will want to win this
one."
Awareness
High profile purveyors of punditry have to continually
look over their shoulders. There's always a smartarse
keen to twist their words for comic effect. With that
in mind, Ron's eventual demise was all the more surprising.
Such an experienced campaigner has always known the
value of choosing his words carefully.
"Moreno thought that the full back was
gonna come up behind and give him one really hard."
"There's lots of balls dropping
off people."
"Ever time Zidane comes inside,
Roberto Carlos just goes bonking down the wing."
"He dribbles a lot and the opposition
don't like it - you can see it all over their faces."
"Zidane is not very happy, because
he's suffering from the wind."
"Stoichkov's playing on the
wing, in this situation he likes to come in and scalp
the centre-half."
"I think Sir Alex might have
been thinking about pulling Giggsy off... but that
might be an incentive to stay on."
Raw Talent
There aren’t enough lollipops and little eyebrows
in the world to match the style on show in the gantry
when Ron gives it the full gun. Class will out. Spotters
badge, sir.
"I never comment on referees and I'm not going
to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat."
"A ten-foot keeper really should have stopped
that."
"They've come out at half time and gone bang."
"The lad throws it further than I go on holiday."
"..and Schmeichel extends and grows even bigger
than he is."
"I think that was a moment of cool panic there."
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