John Giles is a former Leeds and Ireland
hatchet man nowadays turned grand-old-gent of Irish
punditry. He’s also the brother-in-law of Nobby
Stiles: "My sister Kay's never forgiven me. Nobby's
no oil painting is he?
Gilesy has seen it all, and is rightly suspicious of
modern players. Remembers all too well the bad old days
of anti-achieving Ireland. Tells of a four-nil reverse
in Budapest after which one of the five-man FAI selection
committee popped his head round the dressing room door.
"Fantastic, lads! Best performance I've ever seen
from an Irish side." It took Gilesy a few seconds
to work it out - Hungary had worn green that day. "For
f***'s sake, Pat, we were wearing our change strip!"
Most of Gilesy's commentary is devoted to eulogising
players with the "moral courage" to "put
their foot on the ball" and knock a few "bread-and-butter
passes". Also a strong believer that national stereotyping
beats research any day of the week. Italians will always
defend well, Africans will be "a little bit naive,
Bill" and East Europeans "probably won't fancy
it", particularly their goalkeepers.
The key to most of Gilesy’s guff triumphs is his
unintentional Laurel and Hardy relationship with RTE
anchor, Bill O’Herlihy. This double act has got
it all…
Insight...
Billo: "This [UEFA Cup Final]
is something of a local derby between Holland and Germany."
Gilesy: "Er...yeah, they've been close
to each other for years..."
Wildean Improvisation
Billo: "We’ll draw the winners
out of a hat a little later in the programme."
Gilesy (Rare moment of Frivolity): "A top
hat, Bill?"
Billo (quick as you like): "Yes, a top
hat, John. We got it out of your wardrobe."
Gritty Realism
Billo (pre-2002 World Cup): "Sixteen
days from now we'll all walk a little taller. Won't
we, John?"
Gilesy: "Well, er, I don't think we'll
be any taller, Bill."
Billo (pre-2002 World Cup): "Sixteen
days from now we'll all walk a little taller. Won't
we, John?"
Gilesy: "Well, er, I
don't think we'll be any taller, Bill."
Billo: "So you think they (Arsenal)
can score, even in Spain?"
Gilesy "Well I don't know what
you mean by 'even in Spain', I mean the goals there
are the same size and all that..."
Lively Banter
Billo: "What are you actually
saying, John?"
Gilesy: "What am I saying?"
Billo: "Yeah."
Gilesy: "I would be more confident that
we could win this game now than before the game."
Billo: "You could be a cock-eyed optimist."
Gilesy: "I'm not."
Gilesy: "It’s like the
old George Formby song Waiting on the Corner."
Billo: "Leaning on the Lamppost, you
mean?"
Gilesy: "Yeah."
Billo: "Are you going to sing it?"
Gilesy: "No."
Toeing the party line
Billo: "We’ve a big game tomorrow
night. And of course it’s a big game for us
as well."
Giles (grinning): "Yeah, let’s
hope everyone is watching."
Billo: "You’re very sarcastic tonight,
John."
Giles: "I’m not being sarcastic
Bill. It’s ahhhh very important. Ahhhh. Ratings.
Ahhh."
Billo: "That’s right, John."
Gilesy: "I've not time
for the UEFA Cup at all."
Billo: "Hold on a second
John. We've got the final on Wednesday."
Giles (grinning): "It
should be a great final Bill. It always is on RTE."
The Best Unintentional Gags In Town
Billo: "Carsley lacks a bit
of skill in those situations. Let's call a spade a
spade."
Gilesy: "Yes, Bill, he's in there to
dig."
The Rest Of Gilesy’s Guffbank
On the big match atmosphere:
"I'd rather play in front of a full-house than
an empty crowd."
On Spurs’ fallen saviour:
"Hoddle's career in management has been a bit
of a mixed grill."
Concerned that holding interviews for the
Irish manager’s job discriminated against less-eloquent
candidates:
"Interviews is a nonsense."
Defending forwards who go down easily:
"It's like somebody walking down the
street and there's a big block of wood. If you don't
see it, you're going to walk into it and fall over."
What it’s all about?
"A good manager will make eleven players
look like a good team, whereas a bad manager will
make eleven players look like a bad team."
On Robbie Keane’s inability to tackle
tricky long reds off the top cushion?
"The difference between him playing and
Ken Doherty, though he is a big stout-hearted lad,
is huge."
And on the declining standards in world football:
"The problem is, Bill, that the kids
nowadays have got personal stereos and higher education."
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