Tommy Smyth Bulges The Onion Bag
Niall O'Keeffe catches a performance by ESPN's legendary Irish guffster
----------------------------------------------------------------
There is a certain Irish commentator named Tommy Smyth who does the so called ‘colour’ commentary for Champions League matches for ESPN. Since ESPN took him on in1993 the man has managed to provoke feelings ranging from bewilderment to outright loathing. His global reach is impressive as ESPN is broadcasted not just in Canada and the US but also in the Pacific region to counties such as Australia and New Zealand.
Not bad for someone who seems to have managed to lig a job purely on the strength of his brogue. Europeans may ridicule US born commentators for their malapropisms (of course that backfired on Gary Linker last summer) but Tommy takes the biscuit. He also displays a renowned fondness for the term "onion bag."
As Champions League matches are aired around 3 pm in North America I tend to follow them on the web. However, for the Madrid Juventus game I sat down to listen to the great man and was not disappointed.
Before the game even kicks off, Tommy is off to a great start.
“There is a shot of Juan Carlos, the Spanish King. There is royalty here, besides ourselves.”
Good one Tommy, except you are in a television studio in the US watching the game on TV like the rest of us.
Ten minutes in, after some borderline guff, Tommy decides to add some levity to the situation.
“Well, I’ll make a prediction that there will be at least one Italian team in the final”
This is greeted with much mirth by his sycophantic co-commentator.
A couple of minutes later the great man informs us that "Thuram is not the greatest attacker in the world”
No disputing that Tommy, but if you meant to say attacking defender then you obviously forgot about the 1998 World Cup.
Only fifteen minutes into the game and Tommy produces a gem.
“Roberto Carlos, left back may be his address but you never find him home there”
A few minutes later he informs the viewers that, “it is all tactics, it so tactical out there” without any reference to any particular tactic. We also learn that “Nedved is a great story” without finding out just what kind of story that is.
These are just a few of the many non sequiturs that Tommy litters his commentary with.
Still only at 20 minutes in Tommy starts banging on about ‘catenaccio’ without actually explaining to his viewers what the Italian term for a certain defensive strategy means. As my father would say Tommy, “a little knowledge is a dangerous thing”
Four minutes later Ronaldo opens the scoring with a side footed shot around the advancing Buffon. However, I and the rest of the viewers must be mistaken because according to Tommy, the Brazilian, “slides it off the outside of his boot”
Shortly afterwards, the Nedved story continues apace and we are informed that, “he really hasn’t done very little in the midfield.”
My word, we are only half an hour into the game and Tommy is inching me closer and closer to selecting the Spanish commentary.
33 minutes and images of a firing squad outside the visitors dressing room are conjured up as Tommy declares that Madrid “don’t want to go to Turin with Juventus alive”
34 minutes - “What did I say about catenaccio?” Not sure Tomster.
38 minutes - “I don’t want to keep harping on about it but Figo is having a field day out there”
Nah Tommy, 8 references in the first 30 minutes to how Figo is getting the better of Birindelli is not excessive. Not at all.
45 minutes - Trezeguet scores for Juventus and Tommy delights his viewers around the world by telling us how the Frenchman, “bulges the corner of the auld onion bag”
My word, I need a cup of tea or something stiffer.
Second Half
Ronaldo is substituted and Tommy confesses that, “I have no idea what went on, complete mystery as far as I am concerned.”
Mr. Smyth, it is you who say it.
60:00 - Tommy gets all tangled up previewing the first leg of the Milan Derby, “Must he hard to convince yourself you’re playing on the road when you’re playing at home.”
66:00 - Tommy waxes lyrical about Juventus as they push forward, “They are a very very good side irregardless of how many men they have short.”
73:00 - Roberto Carlos scores a controversial goal and I eagerly await Tommy’s denouement.
“For my interpretation of that rule you should change that rule; passive offside. Rule was done perfectly but I still don’t agree with it.”
Clear as mud Tommy.
87:00 - “Synergy, I love that word - don’t you? Sometimes you keep the good wine till last.”
If by good wine you mean vinegar...
88:00 - Real Madrid are caught offside and Tommy elucidates what transpired. “There was a little daylight there (i.e. between attacker and defender - I think!) although it is actually night time. You know what I mean.”
To which his beleaguered co-commentator J.P. Dellacamera replies, “I’ve worked with you so long I actually understand you.”
Congratulations JP. At least someone does.
Related Links
Interview with Tommy
http://proxy.espn.go.com/chat/chatESPN?event_id=3257
A critical piece on Tommy from an Australian newspaper
http://www.theage.com.au/articles/2002/12/14/1039656262710.html
Send This Article To A Friend |
