We start in Lithuania with the owner of Scottish side Heart of Midlothian FC, Vladimir Romanov.

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Dave Odell rounds up the week’s funny football stories

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When football was invented in 1992 by a brave, visionary group of television executives, none of them could possibly have foreseen the juncture at which we now find ourselves, on the cusp of the sixteenth season of what those founding fathers lovingly called ‘the Premiership’.  Read More »

The new soccer season is upon us with the major European leagues just starting - and the anticipation is bigger than ever before. Will we recognise the players, or even be able to pronounce their names? But there is one thing that will stay the same and has already started in earnest.  Read More »

Lets be honest everyone loves the speculation of the transfer market, you know the type of thing, which players are going where, how much they’re going to cost, how often they’ll say “This is the only club I’ve ever wanted to play for!”  Read More »

Fair play to Marty Morrissey and the lads for throwing open the doors. Surely the least the football community can do in return is make some effort not to sully the sacred sod with our Ole Ole-ing, our Mexican waving, our booing and our sundry other Tan habits.  Read More »

After the plans for a new digital TV football highlights service are lost at a motorway service station, BSkyB begins a feverish search for them.

As Bond (Jeff Stelling) joins the search, he suspects Rodney Marsh of involvement in the affair. Bond finds an ally in the beautiful Kirsty Gallagher, a 12-foot tall ex-supermodel turned secret agent, who blames Marsh for the troubled history of the Tampa Bay Rowdies. The plot thickens when Marsh takes a shine to Bond’s bird, leading to Bond’s abandonment of his original mission in favour of a bid to assassinate Marsh at the earliest opportunity.

Tired of eking a frugal living from sitting on the fence, evil, scantily clad villain Trevor Brooking decides instead to become a fence, soon doing a roaring trade in stolen diamonds at his casino in East London.

When malevolent Brooking – aided by assistant Motty – decides to use his ill-gotten jewels to create a deadly laser satellite capable of destroying Sky headquarters in Isleworth, Bond is sent to uncover Brooking’s sinister plot.

Thanks to a tip-off from now reclusive billionaire Big Ron, who uses the same Chartbusters tanning booth as Brooking, Bond is soon hot on Trevor’s trail.

Can he stop the madness before Trev, wellllllll, yeahhhhhhhh, at the end of the day, gets round to mayhem and destruction.

Megalomaniac media mogul Elliot Carver (Jonathan Pryce) seeks to complete his global communications empire by demolishing the BSkyB media conglomerate.

Finding himself thwarted by the ratings-winning excitability of co-commentator/pundit Chris Kamara, he dispatches a team of assassins to dispose of Kamara by any means necessary. MI6 assigns James Bond (Jeff Stelling) to the case. Aided by beautiful assistant Kirsty Gallagher, Bond foils attempt after attempt on Kamara’s life, ensuring that “Kamara Never Dies”.

In a rash move, MI6 boss “M” appoints Agent 0013 (Frank Stapleton) as the new anchor of Gillette Soccer Saturday, freeing up Agent 007 (Jeff Stelling) for expanded greyhound-related duties.

But catastrophic levels of dourness, glumness and negativity, combined with a distinctly unsuave manner and a degree of verbal confusion matched only by Sky stablemate Alan Mullery, have left ratings extremely shaken, and entirely unstirred. After just two live appearances, 007 is forced to return to the helm, much to the relief of Marsh, Nicholas et al. 0013 is reassigned to totally unwatched weekday mid-afternoon duties on Sky Sports 3.