Ray Houghton
Ray Houghton

DOING IT FOR THE GAFFER

In what was surely the most controversial moment in Premier Soccer Saturday history, Ray Houghton blew the lid off the seedy motivation behind Sir Fergie’s selection decisions:

“When they’re angry and aggrieved at not being in the side, he knows they’re going to put out for him.”

WHO ARE YA?

If Carlos Tevez doesn’t believe he is part of the Manchester United family, how must  Danny Wellbeck feel after joining the title celebrations only to be introduced as “Frazer Campbell”?

BURN WATER

Setanta’s Martin Fisher is not someone you want to let loose in your kitchen:

“It’s like he had Teflon in those gloves of his as the ball stayed stuck in them.”

UP TO DATE

But whatever you say about Martin, he’s never one to miss out on the latest fad:

“In these days of mobile phone technology, lots of people will be getting updates.”

A LITTLE HARSH

Fisher wasn’t surprised when Jonas Gutierrez was substituted on Saturday but he also felt his countryman could have done more to change the game during his frequent warm-ups:

“He’s going to sit with his Argentinean colleague, the equally ineffective Colochini.”

THE BINARY RAINBOW

What a kaleidoscope awaited Angus Scott at St James’s Park:

“A sea of colour, black and white…”

GETTING A TASTE FOR IT

Matt Jackson could cut the atmosphere with a knife – and then polish it off with nice Chianti:

“The tension is palatable.”

FOG ON THE TYNE

Gazza sets a mathematical poser for Alan Shearer:

“I think five points from our two games will keep us up now.”

LOOK OUT JAWS

Never try to rescue Pat Dolan before breakfast:

“If I got on a lifeboat with Gareth Southgate, I’d jump in, even if there were sharks in the water.”

NEW LEFT PEG

Remember Michael Essien’s long-term injury? Few are aware he was painstakingly reconstructed in Tony Cascarino’s secret laboratory:

“That’s not his natural left foot.”

AU NATUREL

Jeff Stelling: “Are Hull still beavering away, Charlie?”

Charlie Nicholas: “Oh yes, the beavers are out today”   .

TELLING IT LIKE IT IS

On Jacqui Oatley’s BBC blog, she seems to think this was an unintentional putdown:

“When you commentate for Match of the Day, do you sit anywhere near the proper commentators?”

SEEING THE GOOD IN PEOPLE

United fans: “Vieira, whoa oh oh… He gave Giggsy the ball. And Arsenal won f*** all.”

Martin Tyler: “Arsenal getting good vocal backing here.”

GET OUT OF THAT GARDEN

Gol TV maestro Ray Hudson is delighted that Barcelona continue to blossom:

“It’s no machine this. Don’t ever call this team a machine, they are botanical.”

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