Alan Hansen, former Liverpool defender, current football pundit and extremely modest person, has added his voice to the criticism of the beleaguered Rafael Benitez – an unusual move for one usually so reluctant to criticise. In his column for the BBC Hansen says, “At Fulham on Saturday, the much-maligned Lucas played 12 or 14 passes forward that were as good as anything he has produced, but Liverpool were still useless. And I didn’t see Alonso on the pitch when Liverpool played so well the previous Sunday against Manchester United.”

Of course they were useless Alan; they became useless the moment you left, and will never be any good until someone figures out a way to clone you so there will always be a Hansen at Liverpool. In fact a whole team of them. Really, that is Liverpool’s only chance of success. And no you didn’t see Alonso because he plays for Real Madrid … oh, hang on a minute, I think he was joking. Fancy that, Hansen does humour. You never know, one day he might figure out smiling.

In related news: Benitez denies rumours that his next incomprehensible substitution will be to replace   Benayoun with Gladys the tea lady during Wednesday’s match against Lyon, saying, “That would be a ridiculous substitution. It’s actually Mavis the receptionist.”

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